Author Archives: David Keyes

For the first half of this year, I lived in East Jerusalem with a Muslim man in his 20s. His name is Kujan, and hardly a day went by that he did not quote the Koran or the sayings of the prophet Muhammed to me. Kujan is a wonderful man and we had a great […]

I’ve had enough of the walking. I am just sick and tired of it. We Bruins walk everywhere. Our campus, pretty as it may be, is sprawling and expansive. A conservative estimate is that, in total, I have walked for approximately 100 trillion hours at UCLA this year alone. That is the equivalent of traversing […]

Jews control the world. They have infiltrated the top echelons of American politics. They dictate policy and tirelessly pursue their “Jewish” agendas. While this is mostly untrue, I only wish it were so. Far from being ashamed, I proudly salute the prominence, prestige and vast contributions of the Jewish people. In fact, my people are […]

Cinnabon, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, Burger King “”mdash; they were all there. How strange, I thought. Here I stand, in the middle of Amman, Jordan, in the curtly named “Mecca Mall,” and yet I couldn’t be closer to home. The Hashemite mall was in fact seemingly more “American” than most of the malls I […]

This past weekend I saw “The Vagina Monologues.” Yes, I, David Keyes, saw “The Vagina Monologues.” After the show, I started thinking about women ““ and monologues, naturally. Though it is undoubtedly shocking to some that a brute such as myself could have found pleasure among this bastion of femininity, I did. Often my readers […]

Are you bright, hard-working and well-educated? Then you might be just the person for a myriad jobs, and foremost among them ““ terrorist mastermind. Contrary to popular belief, terrorists are often not poverty”“stricken, uneducated, disenfranchised youth. Many of the world’s deadliest terrorists are highly educated and come from the bourgeoisie or privileged upper class. While […]

Standing atop our scaffold, UCLA has but one mark of shame ““ a bona fide scarlet letter on our collective breast. One symbol sits there, taunting us at every move. It laughs at us as we walk to class. It mocks us as we return from Bruin Walk. It is none other than the passive […]