There are different levels of losing in every competition. There
are squeakers and heartbreakers (where the winners just barely eke
out a victory, while the losers are obviously forlorn), beatings
(one team soundly takes care of the other), stompings (when the
victor rubs it in a little bit), and finally spankings.
Spankings are highest level of losing, whereby the spanker
humiliates the spankee to the point that the spankee will think
twice about ever crossing paths with the spanker again.
UCLA men’s basketball has experienced all the various
levels of losing this year in the Pac-10. A heartbreaker to Oregon,
a beating by Arizona State, a stomping by Kansas, and the all-time
worst spanking in the history of Pauley Pavilion at the hands of
Arizona.
Steve Lavin always walks around with a smile, but if you look
closely you can tell he hesitates and winces every time he sits
down.
But Steverino, I feel your pain. The Daily Bruin College Bowl
team has also experienced every level of losing.
We’ve had close encounters with teams named “Shawn
Kemp’s Bastard Children Cheering Section” and
“Predictably Dull,” a solid beating by “The
Episode Of Who’s The Boss Where Tony Sees Angela
Naked,” a stomping by “Untitled,” and a real,
true spanking by a team whose official name escapes me.
When I say team, I mean Sherman. I’ll refer to them as the
Sherminators, but it’s really just Team Sherman.
Sherman spanked us so badly that the Stat Geek himself had to
use the Chi-squared method to determine if he was “sad”
or “unhappy.” In fact, the Geek is now a history major.
It really was that bad.
By the time the word “ridiculous” couldn’t
possibly describe the score differential, I decided that our only
hope was my gift of trash-talking.
Yes, I trash-talked in College Bowl. Gary Payton, please forgive
me.
After Sherman pulled a real low-class move by forcing the judges
to subtract points from our total (I think we had about 30 points
at the time, compared to his 300), I knew he had crossed the line.
The time had come to unleash my wicked tongue.
“That’s it Sherman, I’ll see YOU in the
parking lot!”
Sherman just stared, either in total fear of my threat, or in
total awe that someone was talking crap in the College Bowl. I like
to think he was paralyzed with terror.
When I eventually buzzed in before the Sherminators and answered
a question right, I continued my barrage.
“Oh, got that one right. Where were you on THAT one,
SHERMAN?! You got nothing!”
Again, I just got a blank stare. Clearly, Sherman was wetting
himself at this point.
Unfortunately, by this point my entire squad of miscreants was
laughing so hard they were incapable of supplying any answers. Even
the judge and scorekeepers couldn’t help stifling a little
laughter. When the match finally ended, Sherman just walked away,
without any kind of postgame handshake.
Bad form, Sherman.
Even though my shenanigans were pretty damn funny, I
couldn’t help feeling like USC head coach Henry Bibby. Bibby
has been reprimanded repeatedly by the Pac-10 for various vocal
infractions, including complaining to the referees and talking
trash. The mere thought of a possible link between me and the
father of Mike Bibby (remember, I’m a Lakers fan) forced me
to swallow down a little of my own vomit.
The Trojans are as inconsistent as their coach is volatile. Last
week Southern Cal lost to the Beavers, but then rebounded to
dominate the Ducks. USC’s inconsistency, combined with a good
old-fashioned sense of rivalry, lends a sense of hope to
tomorrow’s game.
But unless the Bruins walk away with a victory, consider any
shot at reaching the postseason as futile as a College Bowl matchup
with Sherman.
Colin answered this question right: Name the longest reigning
French King. E-mail him your answer at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.