Dear Dan Guerrero,
We write to you again this week to address a troubling sign
posted all around the outside of Pauley Pavilion that needs some
serious revisions.
The sign reads:
“For the safety and comfort of all, the following items
are not permitted in Pauley Pavilion:
1. Containers of any kind.
2. Noisemakers, signs and banners.
3. Helium balloons, balls and other toys.
4. Weapons and alcoholic beverages.
5. Unauthorized video cameras.
6. Animals (except service animals).
7. Skates, skateboards and bicycles.
Thank you for you cooperation, UCLA Athletic
Department.”
Most students have walked by these signs dozens of times, but it
is doubtful they have questioned the deeper meaning of the words.
For the sake of sports fans at UCLA, allow us to clarify the
problems we have with the meaning of this sign.
No containers of any kind, huh? If there are no containers
allowed, why do they pour soft drinks into a cup when you get
thirsty in Pauley? That is a total disregard for the rules.
And what about people who take pills or have asthma? They
can’t bring their medical containers in? Should we start
letting opposing teams know that they can’t play containment
defense against us? Why are the teams allowed to bring water
bottles into Pauley? Moving on “¦
This second rule really irks us.
There is a reason our home basketball games are about as
exciting as a Friday night in Bakersfield. No noisemakers, signs
and banners?
Whose idea of a bad joke is this? That’s like telling Ray
Young he can’t jump, telling Tyler Ebell he has to walk
whenever he is on the football field, or telling coach Al Scates
that he can’t win any more national championships.
The student body at UCLA includes some of the most creative
people in the world; what we wouldn’t pay to see some of the
signs the art majors could come up with for a game against USC.
Furthermore, any Cameron Crazy (read: Duke fan) will tell you that
the sound of 20 pennies rattling inside of a plastic bottle while
the opposition is shooting free throws is the most gratifying sound
in the world.
The third rule is decent except for the part about balls. If
balls “are not permitted in Pauley Pavilion,” you can
go ahead and cancel the rest of our home games. Also, you should
personally apologize to Dave and Mat Ball for your prejudice toward
them.
Go ahead and apologize to all the males at our school, while
you’re at it. Or you can change the name of the sport to
basket. Get it?
The fourth rule is halfway agreeable, as it prohibits weapons (a
good call here) and alcoholic beverages. If pennies inside a bottle
are endearing for fans, then the sound of a cash register is music
to the athletic department’s ears, right? Well, do you have
any idea how much you could make selling beer at home games?
It doesn’t even have to be good beer. Go ahead and tap a
keg of Natural Ice, see if we care. Beer and sports go together
like Lavin and hair gel. Not only that, but beer loosens up the
vocal chords like moving the ball loosens a zone defense.
How do you spell spirit? B-E-E-R.
Five is understandable, we guess (no unauthorized video
cameras). We don’t want to split hairs here, OK?
Six is troublesome. No animals? How cool would it be to release
a German Shepherd or a pit bull on the Stanford Tree? Not as attack
dogs, but to relieve themselves like Woo did on the Dude’s
rug. Furthermore, adios Joe and Josie Bruin; it’s been
real.
Seven is fine, we suppose (no skates, skateboards or bicycles).
But can you make an exception for those shoes that have wheels on
the soles?
Those things are cooler than Vanilla Ice.
If you refuse to seriously consider changing the existing rules,
then you might as well add something to the bottom of the sign, as
an eighth rule:
No having fun.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
UCLA sports fans
E-mail Karon at ekaron@media.ucla.edu.