We are four days away from the most highly anticipated
extravaganza on television since the series premiere of Fox’s
“Girls Club.” Come Sunday, my fridge will be stocked
and my eyes will be locked on the TV. So don’t even think
about calling me because I don’t want to miss a minute of the
Food Network’s “Two Fat Ladies” marathon.
Just kidding. You and I both know I’ll be watching the
Oakland Raiders battle the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl
XXXVII (that’s 37 for those of you scoring at home).
While the idea of two overweight English women cooking for 12
straight hours may sound enticing, I’ll have to pass.
However, for those uninterested in very large men beating each
other up or very large women beating up eggs, rest assured that you
are still part of a demographic ““ a channel will find
you.
ABC owns the broadcasting rights to this year’s Super
Bowl. That means all the other networks can either contribute to
the football demographic (“Sports Collisions and
Crackups” on TLC), cater to the non-football demographic
(“Gay Weddings” on Bravo), or just throw their arms up
and say, “screw it” (the Rick Moranis vehicle
“Big Bully” on UPN).
A quick glance at Sunday’s TV listings reveals how
programming strategies have become pathetically predictable in
their attempts to capture certain demographics.
FX will put its faith in action cop flicks “Speed 2:
Cruise Control” and “Die Hard with a Vengeance,”
two disappointing sequels that many filmgoers deny ever happened.
The hope is that male viewers will at least turn to FX during
time-outs to catch tankers exploding or someone getting shot.
Violence prevails as well on USA, which will feature Harrison
Ford trading punches with a Columbian drug cartel in “Clear
and Present Danger,” Nicolas Cage knocking heads with
fugitives in “Con Air,” and Patrick Swayze taking on a
drama queen in “Dirty Dancing.”
Well, at least the wizards at USA won’t be doing
a”¦
Meg Ryan doubleheader: “Sleepless in Seattle”
followed by “City of Angels.” TBS is holding that angle
down. They don’t call TBS the Superstation for nothing.
Meg Ryan is the ultimate trump card. Even Comedy Central will
bank on Ryan’s “French Kiss.” Her movies are
tailor-made for the female demographic during major sporting
events. NBA Finals: “When Harry Met Sally.” World
Series: “You’ve Got Mail.”
For the non-football demographic that enjoys the classics, AMC
will air an Audrey Hepburn movie marathon. “My Fair
Lady” and “Sabrina” will be having
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” to plan their
“Roman Holiday” all day long. Hepburn versus Ryan. AMC
and TBS fight for leftover demographics. This might be more
intriguing than the actual game.
As for the music channels, VH-1 is scheduled to show
documentaries on Shania Twain and Mariah Carey. Talk about getting
leftovers from leftovers.
If the Shania-Mariah Connection fails to connect with the
puberty crowd, then count on MTV’s marathon of (gee, let me
guess) “The Osbournes.” Is there a way to uninstall
MTV? Does the cable company provide this service?
The most awkward programming decision has to belong to ABC
affiliates ESPN and ESPN2. Imagine an executive ordering his
producer to air shows least likely to detract from the mother
station’s broadcast of the Super Bowl. They are begging you
not to watch.
Executive: “Put on the worst thing you can find that
absolutely no one will watch.”
Producer: “How about karate or figure skating?”
Executive: “How about both?”
Chang’s most underrated cable stations are AMC, FX and The
History Channel. E-mail Chang at dchang@media.ucla.edu.