Monday, 6/23/97 Exposing the truth behind some myths about UCLA
FOLKLORE: Campus’ own ‘troubleshooter’ reveals orientation lies
Bruins! Greetings and happy second day of summer. It is with
great Viewpoint pleasure that I present this column to you Summer
Bruin readers, since it is the only column I am scheduled to
contribute this summer. (Dry those tears; I’ll be back this fall.)
You may be asking yourself why a fall columnist would contribute a
column to the Summer Bruin. The obvious answer would be that Jioni
Palmer (Viewpoint editor) commanded me to (and that I fear him in a
way that I never feared last year’s passive-resistant editor Geoff
Martin) so I acquiesced, but in the interest of making myself come
off as a man with a plan I will provide another plausible reason:
The people asked! No? OK, one guy sort of suggested that he might
like to read a summer column from me. OK, I made that one up, too.
The real reason I am writing a summer column is that I hold the key
to unlocking countless UCLA mysteries, and I can’t take a break
from writing even for the summer (especially when I’m threatened by
Jioni). In the past I have referred to myself as UCLA’s
troubleshooter, philanthropist, reader, friend and even the
Valentine to the Valentine-less (although none of those names
seemed to stick like the Skinny White Jackass thing). When you go
around touting yourself as a man of such prowess, you had better be
ready to back it up by making a difference (unless you’re that fat
guy on Channel 2 who just goes around with a camera being obnoxious
and harassing people). So what service am I providing to the campus
today? As the King of Timeliness (look, another moniker that is
sure to be brushed aside into the shadow of the Skinny White
Jackass nonsense) today I will be tackling the issue of freshman
orientation lies. Please note: If you are an incoming freshman, you
may wish to stop reading at this point as this column will blow the
lid off of the filthy lies perpetrated by the UCLA orientation
staff. (That last sentence should be read aloud in your best "Hard
Copy" voice. Go ahead: Read it out loud. No one will mock you, I
promise.) If you are a seasoned reader, you know that my columns
are (as one drunken "fan" so eloquently put it once at a party)
"total bullshit" and you know better than to expect great things
from Viewpoint in genera1 (and yours truly in particular). OK,
Bring back that "Hard Copy" voice, because you’ll need it for these
next two sentences. Forget what you THINK you know, because all of
that is about to change. Today Viewpoint reaches deeper, searches
harder and brings YOU the hard facts about UCLA’s Summer
Orientation Program. (Thank you. That concludes the oral portion of
the column.) Many of you probably attended the orientation at some
time in your past, a few of you may be about to enter the
orientation program and still more of you may not fit into either
of those categories. For those of you in this third,
"orientation-ignorant" group, you’ll just have to trust me – this
stuff is funny. (Go ahead, ask that guy over there who’s still
staring at you for reading aloud like the announcer on "Hard
Copy.") Those of you who attended freshman orientation at this
esteemed institution of higher education will recall that an
important part of the orientation process is the campus tour. This
tour allows the students to become acquainted with the campus, but
it is also the breeding ground for some of the ugliest lies UCLA
has to offer. Today I will expose four of those lies, and (oh, he
won’t stop there, folks!) I will present the truth that lies buried
beneath each lie. The Bunche Hall Myth: As you may recall,
orientation counselors tell a story of a Bunche Hall which once ran
north and south instead of east and west (as it now sits on our
campus). The counselors (nay, prevaricators) assert that the
reflection of the sun off of Bunche Hall used to blind drivers on
the 405, so in the 1960s a crew of helicopters was called in to
lift the building and turn it 90 degrees. Do we all understand that
this is a lie? Good. Would we like to know the truth? 0f course. As
it turns out, Bunche Hall was indeed turned in the late 1960s, but
it was not by helicopters (as your friendly orientation counselor
would have you believe). No, Bunche Hall was lifted and turned by a
group of angry TAs who "reasoned" that turning a building would be
a good way to gain recognition for their union, which they called
SAGE. (I suppose it is unnecessary to mention that moving Bunche
was as unsuccessful at gaining recognition as their later idea to
merge with the United Auto Workers.) The Franz Hall Myth: The
sickos who run the orientation program here have a little story
they like to tell about Franz Hall, too. Maybe you remember it:
Franz Hall and the Inverted Fountain were designed by a USC
graduate who intentionally created Franz Hall and the fountain to
look like a toilet. LIE! I did a little bit of investigative work,
and I learned that Franz Hall and the Inverted Fountain were
designed by a UCLA graduate who drew them to resemble a toilet in
order to remind all Bruins that a degree in psychology will only
get you a shitty job. (Check my tagline to learn why this is one
lie I wish I hadn’t exposed.) The Nude Statue Myth: (This is one of
my persona1 favorites.) The story at orientation is that the URSA
lady posed for the statue of the large naked woman in the Sculpture
Garden. (You know the one, right?) I happen to be a big fan of
URSA, and I was personally insulted by this lie, so I made it my
mission to learn the truth about the "URSA Statue." The truth? It
wasn’t URSA who posed naked for that sculpture, but former
Chancellor Charles Young. The Janss Steps Myth: Everybody knows
Janss Steps, right? The big staircase that runs down from Royce and
Powell to where the Towell tent used to be? OK, good. If you happen
upon a UCLA orientation tour passing those steps you will hear an
ominous story about the Janss brothers and the eventual demise of,
I forget, let’s say the youngest one. The lie? This very un-alive
Janss fellow is buried underneath one of those steps (and that’s
why you aren’t supposed to step on the fifth step). But watch out,
this lie’s a two-parter. The story also goes that step No. 5 is
chipped because USC students like to come in the middle of the
night to try and dig up Mr. Janss. Fortunately for me, this lie
required no research, because I know the facts about the Janss
Steps. (And quite frankly, I really wore myself out with the
troubleshooter bit trying to expose those first three lies. I don’t
know how that Channel 2 guy stays so fat; troubleshooting is good
exercise.) I don’t know much about the Janss brothers, so I can’t
tell you why those steps are named for them (although if I had to
guess I’d say that they paid the university a big chunk of money).
But I DO know who is buried under those steps: Old Joe Bruin. When
they replaced happy Old Joe last year with the monster you see on
your UCLA sweatshirt, I was so outraged that they tried to hide the
Old Joe costume from me by burying it under Janss Steps. But I know
he’s under there, and you better believe it’s not USC students who
are trying to dig him up. Like I said before, troubleshooting (and
exposing lies) is hard work, so I’m off to go sleep my summer away.
I’ll be back in Fall Quarter (Monday of first week, so enjoy summer
school and I’ll see y’all then. But before I go there is one last
truth I need to pass on (and one that you needn’t forget):
Viewpoint columnists always accept gratuities. Justin Horey
Previous Daily Bruin Stories All Bruins have Ms. Right’s number,
November 18, 1996 UCLA diversity myth shattered by growing ethnic
divisionJune 10, 1996