Monday, 6/23/97 Happiness may depend on familiarity with
tradition COLUMN: Take time to learn the Bruin way – it makes a
difference
There are certain things that every student must become
accustomed to their first year at UCLA: lines halfway to San Diego
to pay your registration fees, TAs you need a decoder ring to
understand, and dorm food that tastes suspiciously like cat food.
However, the insanity of these UCLA institutions pales next to that
of the great Bruin athletic tradition. As an incoming freshman, I
was not privy to all the secrets the athletic department holds. So,
as a special service to everyone who is new to the Bruin family, I
present, "Stuff You Might Not Know About Bruin Athletics." * You
may notice these people who jump up and down in the stands with
small blue beanies on at basketball games. They are not rabid
deranged Smurfs. They are not jogging in place, exercising in
Pauley because of the lack of room in the Wooden Center. They are
just bona-fide Bruin basketball fans who really have nothing else
better to do. (Having spirit is one thing, but do we have to
sacrifice our dignity, people?) * Going to any football game at our
scenic Rose Bowl is a harrowing yet exhilarating experience. First
of all, don’t expect to sit down. I did, and all it got me was a
view of the drunk guy’s butt in front of me. Be prepared to stand
really, really, really close to someone you probably don’t know on
a metal bench the size of a balance beam. (This someone will most
likely smell of beer, body odor or both.) * It is a well-known fact
that the Wooden Center is not merely a gym. Oh, no. It’s actually a
meat market. More accurately, it’s like one of those tanks at fancy
restaurants where you get to pick out your lobster. If you are
single, and looking for a mate, the Wooden Center is the place to
be. On any given day, there are more bare muscles in there than
there are in Playgirl magazine. * On that note, there are certain
recreation classes that are prime locations for meeting someone.
Guys, take a step or funk aerobics class. No matter how dumb you
feel, it will pay off when you get the phone numbers of your
classmates. Girls, I have two words for you: martial arts. These
classes give you the opportunity to grapple and perhaps even act
out some of your kinky dominatrix fantasies with guys. (You might
even get to roll around on the floor with them, if you take judo.)
* If you’ve watched any UCLA game on TV, you’ve probably heard this
thing that sounds like a whole bunch of morons clapping together in
rhythm. For your information, those are not just any morons,
they’re Bruins. That thing they do is called the eight-clap; it’s
one of the greatest Bruin traditions (along with the @#&* ‘SC
chant). If you don’t learn it by second week, you will be expelled.
Really. * No matter what, DO NOT LEAVE ANY GAME EARLY. We "gutty
little Bruins" have the tendency to either surmount huge leads or
give them up. Some friends of mine had the misfortune of leaving
the ’96 USC-UCLA football game eight minutes early. They ended up
listening to the Bruins’ comeback on their car radio in the parking
lot of Taco Bell, crying into their Nacho Supremes. Don’t let this
happen to you. * Unless you slept outside the Central Ticket Office
(or with Peter Dalis), you probably didn’t get your Student Sports
Package. So, you don’t have tickets to all of the basketball and
football games this season. Never fear. I, as a FREE service to
you, will provide some easy ways to go to every game for FREE. Even
the away ones! For instance, every team has athletic trainers. If
you become one, you get to help with team injuries (which means
getting to put your hands all over your favorite UCLA athlete). You
also get free tickets, travel, and accommodations for every game.
An added bonus: if your team wins a NCAA championship, you get a
ring! Another way to get into every game free is to join our
beloved Spirit Squad, which consists of the cheerleaders, dance
team, yell crew, and mascots. You get the same benefits as the
trainers, plus lots of free Reebok stuff. There’s also some nifty
pom-poms, a giant bear costume, or a pretty darn fashionable blue
and yellow striped shirt in it for you. The best thing is, you
don’t have to pay for any of it. * Since we have some of the best
facilities around, sports celebrities are often seen around campus.
UCLA students have perfected the art of noticing a celebrity while
pretending not to notice. We are too jaded and laid back to gawk at
Magic Johnson while he practices at Pauley (Hint: Magic can usually
be seen on Tuesday’s in the Men’s Gym.). So, if you happen to see
super-gymnast/Kappa Alpha Theta Kerri Strug in Yates Gym, resist
the urge to ask her how that ankle’s doing. Just walk by like you
never saw her. * Basketball is a religion here. You think I’m
joking, don’t you? I’m not. John Wooden was like the Messiah; some
people still believe he’ll come back. Others see the Second Coming
in Steve "I’m so sensitive, I cry at K-Mart openings" Lavin. Lavin
has his starting lineup, or apostles, if you prefer. There’s Jelani
McCoy, our bishop of blocks; J.R. Henderson, the pope of the post;
and Toby Bailey, a beautiful god among men if I ever saw one. (Oh
yeah, and he’s got a three-point shot that’s as pretty as his
eyes.) Add in Baron Davis, our potential savior, plus angelic Schea
Cotton, and you’re in UCLA heaven. You didn’t think Bruin sports
could be so complicated, did you? It’s okay. Just remember three
things: love UCLA, hate USC, and the men’s basketball team will be
in the Final Four next year (guaranteed). So, this is me, signing
off. Have an easier first year than I did; watch out for the
constantly packed basketball courts by the dorms, organic
chemistry, and the psycho squirrels. Mack is a second-year
physiological sciences student and the assistant sports editor for
the ’97-’98 school year. Confused freshmen can reach her at
tmack@media.ucla.edu. Traci Mack