Thursday, 5/22/97 Lifting kegs, not weights, is the way to go!
EXERCISE: Alternative methods offered to make battle of the bulge
easier
In the many months that I have had the privilege of being a
Viewpoint columnist, I seem to have garnered somewhat of a
reputation for writing primarily about drinking and sex. But, like
the model who really wants to act, and the starlet who dreams of
directing, I, too, long to be taken seriously. So I took an
informal poll among my friends to see what my next column should be
about. And, aside from a few befuddled looks, ("You write a column?
I had no idea.") the answer as unanimous: drugs. I would like to
take this moment to thank my former friends for their opinion about
the limited scope of my interests. But I laugh in the face of
convention, and quite often have been known to kick convention in
the backside as it runs from my mockery, tears of humiliation
running down its face. So, in my grand tradition of defying public
sentiment, I present to you Katherine Tom’s thoughts on health and
fitness. Now, before we get started, I feel obligated to make it
unequivocally clear that I have no expertise whatsoever on the
subject of health and fitness. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to
name a subject that is more foreign to me. But frankly, I’m not
sure any of these so-called "fitness experts" knows what they’re
doing either. I understand that Cindy Crawford’s "Shape Your Body"
workout is actually hazardous to your health, and can result in
serious injury. The advice I have to offer you may not help you
lose weight, or improve muscle tone, but at least it won’t maim or
otherwise cripple you. I always think it’s a good idea to examine
the market and check out the competition. As far as I know, Cindy
Crawford’s "Shape Your Body" workout is one of the most popular
workout videos ever; but after watching the video halfway through,
all I have to say is, what a waste of money! It opens with a Revlon
commercial, in which Cindy demonstrates an effective routine of
pouting and hair-tossing exercises. Then, we are treated to a
little confessional-type introduction, shot in gritty,
documentary-style black and white. During the intro, Cindy attempts
to gain the audience’s sympathy by discussing the countless trials
and tribulations of being a supermodel. Then we are introduced to
Radu, who is like Pat Morita in the Karate Kid, driving Cindy
relentlessly through a series of seemingly pointless exercises.
Throughout the video, Radu wanders around aimlessly in the
background, wearing a shirt with "RADU" emblazoned on the chest,
just in case we become confused in our aerobic frenzy. The video is
composed of little MTV-like clips, because apparently, the only
common link between Earth and Planet Cindy is our collective short
attention span. The musical selections appear to be completely
arbitrary; "Top of the Pops" is followed by some strange French
techno. It’s like they blew their whole budget on leotards and
thongs and couldn’t afford the licensing rights to any decent
music. I’m all pumped up for that first five minutes. But then
Cindy finishes her Richard-Gere-inspired, new-agey, yoga breathing
exercises and gets into low-impact aerobics, and she’s lost me. I’m
lying on the floor in a sweaty oxygen-deprived stupor, watching
Cindy lift, and pump, and squat. Through the 45-minute workout, she
barely breaks a healthy, dewy glow. At certain points, she appears
to be in some sort of exercise-induced ecstasy: eyes half-closed,
head thrown back, lips slightly parted. Trust me, if exercise
actually made anybody feel this way, people would be breaking down
the doors to the gym. About the only advice she has to offer
throughout the video is, "Don’t’ forget to breathe," but she offers
this little gem of wisdom (presumably in some sort of twisted
homage to the Karate Kid) some three or four times during the
course of the video. Cindy tells us in the middle of a set of
lunges that we should try to do these "heel first," "like a wheel"
Radu adds enigmatically. At this point, my brain, which was already
panicking due to the unfamiliar activity of exercise, simply gave
up; I passed out. When I came to, the video was over and I had a
pounding headache. Save your money, because here it is, completely
free of charge: Katherine Tom’s virtually painless guide to better
health and fitness. 1. Avoid juice bars and health food stores. Who
do these people think they’re kidding? That stuff tastes like crap.
I saw a coupon in the paper the other day that advertised "smoothie
freebies." They’ll throw protein powder, bee pollen, tofu, wheat
germ, or nay number of other things into your fruit shake, free of
charge. Listen, you can keep your wheat sperm to yourself. About
the only thing I want in my drink is a shot of Absolut. 2. Shop at
the Limited and the Gap. Now, these two stores do not actually
reflect my fashion sensibilities, but they do boast the world’s
most forgiving sizing system. I’m a size 1 for most labels, but I
don’t even exist at the Limited and the Gap. I’m over at Limited
Too and Gap Kids. It’s unbelievable. You won’t even have to lift a
finger, and you’ll be dropping dress sizes like crazy. Of course,
you’ll be wearing really boring clothes. But it’s a small price to
pay for the immeasurable psychological boost you’ll receive in that
dressing room. Along these lines, there is nothing in the world
like a pair of high heels to make you instantly thinner. Guys, this
also goes for you. Explore the colorful world of drag, and you too
can discover what a pair of four-inch stilettos can do for your
legs (not to mention your feet, ouch!) 3. Improve your personality.
That’s right, just keep all the focus on your face, even if it
means talking a lot. If you develop a great sense of humor, people
will be too busy laughing at your jokes to check out your body.
Perfect a stand-up routine and use it constantly, at the bars, on
dates, even in bed. Everyone loves a good laugh. 4. Date
near-sighted alcoholics. This is self-explanatory. 5. Make exercise
fun (or at least not entirely un-fun). OK, I know I said I hate
exercise, and I’m going to stand by that. But some forms of
exercise are decidedly less heinous than others. For instance, some
people, not I, but some people like to play sports like basketball
and volleyball and stuff like that. If you like any kind of sport
or physical activity, by all means, indulge. For those of you who
are more like I (i.e., not athletic), try to augment a hobby you
enjoy with limited exercise. For instance, I like drinking. So I
can begin my workout by walking to the bars. In fact, walking is
one of the few forms of exercise that I really don’t mind. All you
people who drive to the corner store confuse the hell out of me.
Are you really that lazy? And even if you are, aren’t you too
embarrassed to admit it? Unless you are bringing back a case of
beer, there is no excuse for this kind of behavior. Anyway, back to
my alcoholic workout. Once at the bars, order a liter instead of a
wimpy pint. Not only will you save money, but you’ll get great
muscle tone in our arms and chest. Lift the liter slowly to your
mouth, hold, and drink. Then bring the glass slowly back to the
table. Feel the burn. Remember to switch drinking arms. Don’t be
afraid to increase repetitions. Now that you’re drunk, we come to
the best part of the workout: idiotic drunken activities. Let your
mind go, and your body will follow. If you feel like dancing,
dance. It’s aerobic; your friends aren’t laughing at you, they’re
laughing with you. When the bouncer comes to kick you out;
incorporate that into your exercise routine. Use him in the
capacity of a personal trainer; struggle, resist – you’re
guaranteed to get a great workout. Remember, your friends aren’t
making fun of you, they’re having fun with you. My favorite
drinking activity is wrestling. Challenge one of your friends to a
wrestling match, and watch as the party is transformed into that
episode of "I Love Lucy," in which Lucy and Ethel audition to
become American Gladiators. It’s an all-over workout and it lets
you vent all those violent tendencies in a healthy, somewhat
socially acceptable method. Oh, but this time your friends really
are laughing at you. A final note: If all else fails, do lots of
drugs. OK, here it comes, a big deluge of hate mail. I am not in
any way advocating drug use as a dietary option. Not at all. First
of all, I’m not ready for that kind of controversy in my life.
Second, it’s too damn expensive. We’re talking a couple hundred
dollars a week. If you’re going to spend that kind of money to lose
weight, you might as well get liposuction. Third, drugs give you a
shitty personality, and most of us are bitchy enough without coke
or speed. And finally, assuming you want to lose weight to improve
you appearance, you probably won’t like what drugs do to your skin
or body odor, not to mention your penis, if you happen to have one.
Oh, and once you kick the drugs, you’ll gain all the weight back
and then some. No, I’m simply pointing out that if you really want
to be thin but you don’t want to work for it, drugs are the perfect
solution. You double your metabolism, you don’t sleep, and you
don’t eat. Now if that doesn’t sound like a fun way to lose weight,
I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Katherine Tom