Friday, 5/16/97 Absence makes the heart grow fonder
RELATIONSHIPS
In the midst of college life, when students scurry to find their
identities as well as classrooms, Michelle Reidt, a second-year
applied mathematics student, basks in the consistency of her
relationship with her high school sweetheart. But he is not here to
walk her to her classes. He is ninety miles away. Reidt has been in
a long-distance relationship for two years and is now a seasoned
veteran of phone calls and visits to her boyfriend. Throughout her
college career, she has strolled down Bruin Walk with a promise in
her heart but no one physically by her side. "Since I have been
with my boyfriend for such a long time – about three years – and
our long-distance relationship has lasted for two full years, we
are at the point of accepting that we are going to be apart," Reidt
said. "It was kind of weird (in the beginning), with a lot of phone
calls and crying because I was so alone." The joys of her
relationship are mainly reaped through phone calls, e-mails, and
occasional visits to Santa Barbara, where her boyfriend now attends
college. "Last year, we were about 300 miles apart, and now we are
ninety miles apart … so it’s a lot easier to see him (than
before). E-mail and phone calls make up for the lost times that we
don’t get to see each other," she said. "The phone bill is a big
problem for me. But I figure that the money I am spending on phone
bills would go towards going out places if we were back home."
Despite the difficulty of separation, Reidt still enjoys her life
at UCLA. She emphasizes that having a long-distance relationship
does not diminish the "college experience," and in fact feels that
it is advantageous in one respect – guilt-free studying. "I study a
lot, so I would probably feel guilty not seeing him a lot because
of my classes," Reidt said. Although challenged geographically, the
couple decided to date exclusively and have not regretted the
decision. Reidt claims she has not been confronted by temptation to
see other people and is certain her boyfriend has not either. "What
can I say, I love him," Reidt says. Reidt is not the only one
devoted to her far-away sweetheart. Cara Smith, a first-year
undeclared student, has mastered her first year of a long-distance
relationship with her boyfriend in Sacramento. The distance took
its toll in fall quarter, but Smith has learned to accept the
challenges with time. "It affected me really strongly up until this
quarter. It basically feels like half of you is here and half of
you is with the other person," she said. Smith recalls an incident
when she felt she was investing more time into the relationship
than her boyfriend. She had accused him of not paying enough
attention to her, which she claims to be uncharacteristic of her.
"It seems really petty, but for some reason, it meant a lot to me.
It made me feel like he wasn’t thinking about me as much as I was
about him," Smith said. "I think you’re a little more sensitive (in
a long-distance relationship) to things that you wouldn’t be
sensitive to before. "But you have to realize that you’ve got to
carry on your life where you are and that’s just as important as
your relationship is," Smith added. "I think I got used to it and
now look forward to the time when I’ll be with him and look forward
to getting in touch with him during the day or getting a letter."
Despite the change in attitude, Smith still faces problems that
would not occur if they were together in the same area. "Phone bill
is massive. It’s always over $120 every month," she says. "There’s
also temptation (to date other people) around here, but I don’t
make myself open to them because I’m still really in love with my
boyfriend and I know how good it is." Smith also mentions the
difficulty of maintaining a long-distance relationship in regards
to physical affection. Hugs and holding hands are no longer
commonplace and are reserved for weekend visits or school holidays.
"Sex is a difficult factor. You’re kind of stunted for about a
month or two … It’s hard without the affection, and you end up
feeling almost cold. You realize when you’re home that you haven’t
had a hug from this person in however many months or years," Smith
said. "You feel kind of closed off from that affection here."
However, the downs of long-distance relationships also lead to some
positive factors. Smith feels that the long separation clarifies
the view she has of her relationship, and she can see it in a more
objective light. Smith also enjoys the newlywed feeling of being
together after such a long time apart. "When we get back together
(during the breaks), we definitely have that honeymoon period for
three to seven days. It’s kind of like a roller coaster ride, but
you have to realize that it’s going to happen and try to be
realistic about it when you first see (him or her)," Smith said.
"You have to say, ‘We’re going to have some time, so let’s spread
out the passion instead of cramming it into one hour.’" Although
the honeymoon aspect is an uplifting element, Smith explains that
obtaining independence is one of the most important factors of
being in a long-distance relationship. "When you’re friends with
someone and then you’re together with him for eight months, you
realize it’s good for your independence when you move away. It’s
time to experiment with yourself and learn a lot about yourself. I
did this year. "I guess when you’re in love with someone, they can
automatically fill you up and make you happy, but when you’re alone
you have to find your own happiness. Once you can do that, though,
you’re stoked because you can have it both ways," Smith said. Tom
Rubanyi, a second-year physiological science student, disagrees
with both Reidt and Smith, claiming that a long-distance
relationship "really sucks." Rubanyi views long-distance
relationships as formidable in every respect. "I get irritated from
not seeing her, and fighting over the phone is a lot worse. These
(factors) all cause me to function poorly on homework and exams
because the conflicts are constantly on my mind," Rubanyi says.
Unlike Reidt and Smith, Rubanyi and his girlfriend decided to have
an open relationship in the beginning, but it resulted in a discord
between the couple. "We tried an open relationship, but that made
(the problems) even worse because we were constantly thinking and
worrying about what the other was doing every minute of the day. It
drew us farther apart," Rubanyi explains. "Since then, we have been
in a closed relationship, and it’s been much better." Rubanyi
claims to see no positive factors in his long-distance relationship
and feels dejected after the excitement of their weekend visits. He
also explains that there is no room for personal growth because he
thinks constantly of his girlfriend. "I think long-distance
relationships are worth it if the distance isn’t too long and if
you’re truly in love. Nevertheless, I would never recommend it to
anyone," Rubanyi said. Smith, however, feels differently. She
stresses that maintaining a relationship over many miles is worth
every tear and penny if the people involved are connected. "I think
if you’re … strong enough with that person, then it’s definitely
worth it," Smith said. "It’s not sacrificial when it feels this
good. If anything, I’m sacrificing for us, and that’s way above
anything else."
By Linda YoonDaily Bruin Contributor