Tuesday, 4/29/97 ‘Wannabe’ rock stars find fame on top-10 lame
list Respectability, coolness elusive goals for those who just
don’t get it
So I’m watching MTV and I see the Spice Girls. Their crappy
video is on for their crappy song, "Wannabe," so naturally I change
it. I go to VH-1, which really is MTV for your mom, and there’s a
special on Michael Jackson. I turn to some other stations and
finally go back to MTV. There’s a news short on Marilyn Manson. I
give up. How did rock stars get so lame all of a sudden? I mean,
maybe I’m in the minority here and it’s really me who’s lame, but I
just can’t believe how stupid and hypocritical most rock stars are
today. We didn’t have this problem, say, in the ’60s. There was Jim
Morrison, Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon. Who didn’t
want to be like these guys? The ’70s and ’80s had people we wanted
to emulate. Punkers looked up to the Sex Pistols. The girls had
Madonna. The boys had, well, Morrissey. Anthem rock made heroes out
of Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young and Bono. And even the early ’90s
spun some cool people. Kurt Cobain is forever the Generation X
icon, a hero to all garage band guitarists and singers. PJ Harvey,
Liz Phair and Ani DiFranco were the coolest and toughest women
around, maintaining their integrity from the underground to
alternative radio. There were Chuck D and A Tribe Called Quest,
intelligent and engaging rap artists who were hip and at the same
time positive role models, not into the whole gangster movement.
Trent Reznor was the computer geek-turned-rock god who has yet to
taint his holier-than-thou image. Babyface, Beck, the Red Hot Chili
Peppers and Garth Brooks could also be seen as stars people sought
to emulate because they were cool, tactful people. It’s now 1997.
The media creation known as Generation X has deteriorated into
something worse. Somehow rock stars are trying their hardest to be
cool and respectable and man has it backfired. Some of the ’80s and
’90s stars kept their coolness, but only a few stand out in my
mind. Even some of them have questionable moments. So, as I sit and
ponder the ridiculousness of the rock star image in 1997, I give
you my top 10 lame rock stars of our day. Chances are I’ve
forgotten a few easy targets, such as Courtney Love and Bono, but
they just act stupid on stage (admit it, Courtney is getting better
now that she’s a movie star). We’re talking about people who just
don’t get it and are ignorant of it. Here we go. 10. Eddie Vedder:
This guy is the only lame rock star who once was cool, lost it and
yet could still gain it back soon. I’m so fed up with the
stop-recognizing-me-and-let-me-sulk act. If I were a bigger Pearl
Jam fan, I’d be enraged that they haven’t played Los Angeles in,
like, four or five years, even if they were fighting Ticketmaster.
He tries to keep his "integrity" and yet we see him alienate fans
and incessantly complain about awards and recognition he and his
band get. Yet under all his bullshit is a man who can write a damn
good song and perform with some real emotion. If he announced a
show in L.A. tomorrow and just left the whole popularity issue
alone, I’d revoke his lameness title. I doubt that will happen. 9.
Alanis Morrisette: Aaah, how many girls wanted to be like Alanis
when she came out with "You Oughtta Know," which gave her that
angry-woman image. And where did it go after that? I would hardly
call "Hand in My Pocket" a call to arms. Her album, "Jagged Little
Pill," isn’t an angst-filled estrogen-charged rant-fest. Except for
a few songs, I either feel happy or mellow listening to it, if I’m
not laughing at her lame philosophies and lyrics ("Please don’t
censor your tears"). I don’t see her as the
"don’t-mess-with-this-bitch" poster girl. I see her as a dork. Then
again, maybe that’s the media’s fault. But I still won’t forgive
her for her awful videos. 8. Henry Rollins : OK, I’ll get flak for
this, but I am extremely bothered by someone who rants night and
day about rock musicians who sell out and yet goes out to do Gap
and Macintosh ads. I know we’re supposed to respect him because
he’s a punk legend. I’ll even admit to liking his spoken word
performance and some of his more emotional poetry. However, I can
still call him lame for verbally reaming high profile artists, yet
still trying to sell lots of records and going Hollywood (if you
saw "The Chase," you know what I mean). 7. Gwen Stefani of No
Doubt: I had the unpleasant experience of seeing them live before
they got huge. The thing that got on my nerves the most was they
way she pranced around like some 17-year-old guy who thinks he’s
all hard. I love the way she feels badly for the lack of exposure
her bandmates get, yet she still poses solo for most of the band’s
interviews. Get over yourself; you’re not even that cute. 6. Gavin
Rossdale of Bush: How ironic, it’s Gwen’s boyfriend. I do feel bad
because he is picked on so much. His group isn’t that bad, but if
you see Bush live or interviewed, don’t expect anything remotely
interesting or intelligent to come out of Rossdale’s mouth. As long
as we’re on the whole hypocrite theme, did you see that cover of
Rolling Stone where he’s on the bed, shirtless, with a finger in
his mouth? The boy does hate to be called "pretty boy" but somehow
it doesn’t seem to register come photo time. He’s the right man for
Gwen – two overrated musicians who blatantly flaunt their supposed
sex appeal make the perfect couple. 5. Liam Gallagher of Oasis: I
love Oasis. I mean, I really, really like them more than any other
British band. I gush over them. But in the land where rock stars
are actually still cool (most of whom you’ve probably never heard
of, like Jarvis Cocker of Pulp, Brett Anderson of the London Suede
and Graham Coxon of Blur) Liam is the outsider. Unlike his smarter
and more talented brother, Noel, Liam flies off the handle at the
stupidest statements and does so more arrogantly than anyone else
in music. At the MTV Awards, in appreciation of American support,
he insulted them ("A champagne supernova up yer bum!"), spit on the
stage and sprayed the crowd with beer. Not only is he lame, but
he’s also an asshole. 4. Spice Girls: do you really need an
explanation? I think New Kids on the Block meets Kelly Bundy from
"Married With Children" covers it. 3. Celine Dion: I don’t have a
good articulated reason other than I think she’s the female version
of Michael Bolton, who escaped this list only because I haven’t
seen or heard from him in so long I just assume he’s dead. 2.
Dennis Rodman: Yeah, he’s not really a rock star, so then why does
he try harder than any musician to be one? Does he think his
pseudo-femininity and wild hair colors grab our attention anymore?
I hear his MTV show sucks almost as much as the Jenny McCarthy
show. Go back to basketball and leave us alone. 1. Michael Jackson:
As if you had to guess. The world’s most arrogant and
self-flagellating rock artist has done it all. He’s named himself
the King of Pop (and with his son named Prince … well, you do the
math). He’s had 30-foot statues made of himself in promotion for
his poorly received greatest hits album. He’s toured Europe twice
now in the past four years, while completely passing America over.
His greatest hits album has sold way under what any "king of pop"
should sell (only 2.5 million units in America, compared to
"Thriller" which sold 24 million units), and he still thinks he’s
the shit. Mike, we can see through your insecurity complex. Your
ego is bigger than your respectability. We’re not buying it
anymore. You’re HIStory. Well, there they are. Of course, your list
may differ from mine, and hey, you may actually like the Spice
Girls. But since I have the space in the paper and you don’t, like
it or not, this is what I have to say. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m
on my way to San Diego to see U2. I hear the band climbs out of a
big lemon-shaped mirrorball in drag during their show. Maybe I need
to revise this list. Prevatt is a third-year history student. Mike
Prevatt