Last week, President-elect Barack Obama started announcing appointments to his cabinet and other executive branch positions, including the hotly contested first dog (it’s looking like a Goldendoodle). He began by announcing Rahm “Rahmbo” Emanuel as his chief of staff, a spicy choice because of Emanuel’s reputation as a liberal firecracker who brings some “Godfather”-type flavor to Washington, D.C., as seen in behavior like sending a political enemy a dead fish and flipping off foes to reveal his partially severed middle finger.
But I have more personal reasons for my Rahm-love, because he is said to be the basis of my favorite character/fantasy husband of Josh Lyman from “The West Wing.” This essentially means that my once-impossible dream of having elements from “The West Wing” exist in real life is not so impossible anymore ““ Josh Lyman is real-ish kind of.
As appointments continued to roll out of the president-elect’s office during the past several days, it got me thinking about who I would appoint to my presidential staff Dream Team if I were running things around here in America (let’s hope that never happens). The Dream Team needs to be well-rounded with people of intelligence, personality and a special bit of flair that would make the White House cooler than ever. Here’s my Dream Team cabinet, including dead and fictional people, because by the time I’d be president I would think that some sort of technology will have developed to make such things possible.
Chief of staff:
This is the true baller and shot caller of the White House, but I would absolutely not appoint Lil’ Troy feat. Yungstar, Fat Pat/HAWK to this position. I thought long and hard about this ““ a whole commercial break during “Saturday Night Live” ““ and I’ve decided on our men’s basketball coach Ben Howland. He knows how to manage things, dresses in great power suits and most importantly, wins.
Secretary of homeland security:
We must guard our borders with the fierce vigilance of a thousand falcons, so naturally I’d select one of those security guards who stand outside Jefferson Court on party nights. They are absolutely impenetrable. Our borders would be tighter than Madonna’s forehead until a group of pretty girls flashes some skin, like what I imagine Mexico might try to do to Arizona some time.
Head of office of legislative affairs:
The three-branch government thing is cool and everything, but it can also create a bit of a power struggle in times when crucial legislation needs to get passed. This position acts as a liaison between the White House and Congress on legislation issues, and requires a forceful personality with the ability to negotiate.
The only choice is obviously Tony Soprano on this one. All he would have to do is show up in the chambers of Capitol Hill brandishing a golf club, and every piece of legislation I’d want to pass would absolutely do so ““ the most efficient type of negotiation, which is much needed in times plagued by partisan gridlock. Plus, imagine the beautiful ziti his wife Carmela would bring to work functions.
Press secretary:
The press secretary is probably the second-most visible person at the White House, the first being the president of course. I would want someone who could get chummy with the press and make them laugh, so I would appoint Conan O’Brien to the post. He’s a Harvard-educated Yankee, which would help in upping the elitist ante, and is also the funniest man on the planet. He’d be so funny all the time, he’d totally distract the reporters from all the things I would be sure to mess up, simply by pulling the “Walker, Texas Ranger” lever located behind his podium.
Wild card:
This new position goes to my favorite pundit/American ever: James Carville. Carville, aka the “Ragin’ Cajun,” was a senior advisor to Bill Clinton and represented the charisma of that administration, with his crazy New Orleans accent, bulldogg-ish personality and political brilliance. As the wild card in my administration, Carville would basically just hang out and entertain me with wild gesticulations and tales about the Clintons. It would almost be like he was a court jester, but I could also make him go lay down the law and unleash fury against Republicans on the Sunday morning talk shows.
While most positions have yet to be filled by President-elect Obama, I think he’ll do all right, so long as he remembers that the most important part of executive branch appointees is that they appear cooler and more powerful than they actually are, especially when they’re guests on “Meet the Press.”
If you have some baller vice presidential candidates for McReynolds, e-mail her at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu.