There’s a reason ““ besides ratings ““ that the
characters on “Friends” started to date each other.
Sure, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are hot, funny and
successful, but the friend-to-lover trope is more than a plot twist
to keep a seasoned show afloat. Falling for a friend is one
reality-applicable pilot pitch that also bears full-season
relationship potential.
Getting to know a person by being friends with him or her before
you date them is extremely valuable. Building a relationship upon a
friendship foundation increases a union’s potential for
stability and longevity ““ during and after the relationship.
Imagine a first date without the awkwardness of a first date
because you already know each other pretty well. You also
don’t have to stress over meeting his/her friends if
you’re friends with them, too.
Beyond the comfort of familiarity, discovering one’s
talents, quirks, flaws, personality nuances and endearing qualities
is valuable pre-relationship prep.
The process of getting to know someone is similar to gathering
sources and taking notes before you start to write a research
paper. If you go the haphazard, rushed route, you’re more
likely to compose a typo-ridden paper lacking transitions and/or
logical thought progressions. But the more time you spend studying
and collecting references on your subject of interest, the more
thought-out your paper, or relationship, will be.
I’m not encouraging stalking (yet minimal Googling is
definitely permissible); I’m merely advocating falling for
your friends over the stranger sitting across from you. And
I’m not endorsing dating a close friend just because friends
can make great boyfriends and girlfriends. But I do wholeheartedly
promote acting on ““ rather than bottling up ““ romantic
feelings that often grow when friendships do.
Yes, there are excuses to keep a friendship from escalating into
a relationship.
There are the classic: “I can’t date him/her because
it might upset circle-of-friends symmetry if we break up,” or
“We can’t be together because so-and-so and I are too
good of friends to date.”
Stop whining and start dating before you do become purely
platonic pals and pass the possibility-of-dating stage. And while
dating a link in your tight social network can be risky business,
having to feign excitement when your crush introduces a new
significant other into your circle can be just as painful as any
post-breakup awkwardness you two could accrue.
As with any relationship, the fear of rejection can also impede
action. When one ponders moving to the next level, there is often
concern that rejection will permanently mar the existing
friendship. Though temporary tension may occur, time and a cold Ben
& Jerry’s treatment helps reduce swelling.
Excuses debunked, let’s get down to the business of
getting busy. Once you’ve realized you’re sweating your
gym partner rather than just sweating in his/her presence, that
you’d rather study your buddy’s cute furrowed brow
instead of just being study buddies, or that you’d rather
star in a romantic comedy with your friend than religiously rent
new releases together, it’s time to adjust your flirtation
radar to friend mode.
It’s a piece of cake to recognize when the guy at the meat
counter hits on you or that a sexy smile from across the bar means
someone thinks you’re hot stuff, but when can you determine
if your friend is flirting or just being friendly? There’s no
yes-no litmus test, but you can compare your friend’s
interaction with others against your own communication to help clue
you in.
If you suspect there could be mutual feelings of attraction,
suggest an outing for just the two of you, seasoned with a dash of
“I like you” and a pinch of date-resembling
ingredients.
Initiate a late-night, spontaneous study break wherein you plan
a fun outing with romantic undertones. Keep the destination details
a secret, while subtly revealing your feelings without the
intimidation factor of a date.
Remember that honesty is never out of style. Frankly spelling
out your feelings or asking your pal where you two stand is more
open than just going for a kiss, but either approach will do. The
important thing is take action rather than holding in feelings to
fester in Hamlet-like stasis.
The biggest faux pas in friend-wooing to avoid is the 7th-grade
gossip machine. While it may be enticing to ask Julie to ask John
if Jimmy thinks you’re cute, resist. If you need the honest
opinion of someone who knows you both, seek it discreetly.
There’s nothing more disheartening and wimpy than letting
others do the work for you ““ especially if there’s good
news to bear. So sack up and make a move. Chances are, if
you’re done your research, you’ll draft a smooth
transition from friendship to relationship.
Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief. She took a friend to the
Hollywood sign as a sign she had feelings for him ““ and it
worked. E-mail her at lbonos@media.ucla.edu.