What, no New Year’s resolutions? Give up sex!
Merry new year. Did you make a resolution to better yourself
this year? No?! Then let me make a suggestion. Don’t have sex for
one full year. That’s right, no dirtying the sheets for 12 months,
no hanky-panky for 365 days and no human poker for the next 8,760
hours. Kinda daunting, isn’t it?
Now, I’m not suggesting a complete blockade of the Levi 501
parallel, just a restraining order. Although no furrowing of the
fields would be allowed, unlimited amounts of kissy-poo and
touchy-poo would be encouraged. For all your efforts, at midnight
on Dec. 31, 1995 you will be able to officially call yourself a
"wirgin" (that’s sex lingo for wanna-be virgin).
You’re probably thinking I’m on the weed.
Au contraire, I’m merely double-dog-devil-daring you to keep
your willy in your pants or your cat in your skirt. I don’t think
you can do it. I think you’re chicken. Bock! Bock-bock! Bock!
(Those are chicken sounds, in case you’re wondering).
Your next thought is, "Peter, why would you care if I have sex
or not?"
Actually, I could care less. I am not suggesting you try this
resolution because of any religious dogma, nor because I think it
will reduce the spread of sexual diseases. No, I am challenging you
to be abstinent because I want to give you freedom from emotional
entanglement. In short, one-night wiggles are like super glue to
people’s hearts. The person you stick it to invariably ends up
clung to your leg like some worthless pet that’s just asking to be
booted. You give up a portion of your personal freedom the moment
you insert part "P" into part "V."
And I can’t believe how many people haven’t learned this yet.
College students may be able to dissect the human brain, recite
passages from "Heaven and Hell" or run rings around habeas corpus,
but they are unable to remember that sex equals a new sidekick by
morning. Moreover, your new pal will hang on your every word, call
you for no apparent reason and immediately start asking you, "What
are you thinking?" when, in reality, all you’re thinking is, "Are
they ever going to leave?"
So that you don’t fall into this rabbit trap and have to gnaw
your arm off like a coyote, here is a list of things to remember
that may help you:
PETER HAMILTON’S TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX:
1. Men are pigs and lie like rugs.
2. Loose lips sink ships.
3. Underwear is fun to wear.
4. A fool and their legs are soon parted.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
6. What goes up must come down.
7. If you don’t stop now, someone’s going to get their eye poked
out.
8. If you want it done right, do it yourself.
9. Curiosity killed the cat.
10. Don’t be a dick.
Abstinence is that simple.
Now, I am not relaying this information to you from personal
experience. My love life has always been a harmonious one. But my
friends have not always been so lucky. My friend "Chadd," who used
to have women with the frequency of a cheap ham radio, had
difficulty ridding himself of his conquests. By studying his bouts
with the opposite sex, I came to the realization that when people
chase skirts at night they end up fleeing from those skirts in the
morning.
Of course, it is never that simple. And Chadd would never learn
from his previous mistakes. He wouldn’t remember the countless
women who yelled at him, slapped him silly, kicked him and stalked
him.
This lack of understanding is not solely a male affliction; it
happens when women chase pantaloons too. I have a friend named
"Caryn" who was equally as cursed. Her problem was that the guy she
was chasing turned into an instant puppy dog, complete with
worthless slobberings, as soon as the morning after arrived. He
clung and clung until she finally had to break his heart like a dry
fall leaf.
Why would you ever want to make the same mistakes my friends
did? My advice is don’t. If you find yourself in a situation where
sex starts bristling the air, all you have to do is utter one of
these surefire lines.
PETER HAMILTON’S TOP 10 LINES TO USE WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOU
WANT TO HAVE SEX:
1. Sure, but realize that the operation isn’t finished yet (said
in an androgynous fashion).
2. Terrific! My suppository treatment has been working
wonders.
3. Okay, but my crotch has been itching like a bitch ever since
Tijuana.
4. Sounds great! Just don’t rupture the lesions down there.
5. I do. I do. I do.
6. Sure! Just steer clear of that thing my doctor refers to as
"Jupiter’s Red Spot."
7. Okay, but it’s been really tender down there. I had to work
all last night.
8. Oh, cool! My pus can act as a lubricant.
9. That would be great! I’ve been wondering who would be my
100th.
10. Perfect timing! I just combed for ticks.
I guarantee that if you use these lines you won’t have any
trouble achieving "wirgindom" by the year’s end. Think of me on
Jan. 1, 1996 when you congratulate yourself on your renewed status.
You will have enjoyed a year of freedom, a year free from worry and
a year free from responsibility. And if you’re a woman looking for
her Mrs. degree while at UCLA, you will have increased your
marriage quotient immeasurably.
And if you don’t want to take my advice, that’s fine. Just don’t
bother me when you get stuck playing reindeer games. Eat, drink,
laugh, burp, abstain and have a merry new year.
Hamilton is a graduate art student and the editor in chief of
UCLART, a literary art journal that is currently on sale at UCLA
Bookzone and the Armand Hammer Museum’s bookstore (hint, hint). His
exhibit at twoPART (11769 Santa Monica Blvd.) remains until Jan.
20. Go see it.