Picking the winner of a Pac-10 basketball game is pretty tough.
I mean c’mon, undefeated Stanford lost last week, and no one
predicted that, and UCLA loses every game, and no one ever predicts
that.
With the Pac-10 Tournament kicking off today, I thought I would
handicap the day’s four contests. Since the facts and stats
most sportswriters use never result in correct predictions, I will
be using my own unique standards. To determine the winners of each
of today’s four games, I will use the following criteria:
which team’s coach has a better hairstyle, which team’s
player has the coolest name, and which team’s mascot would
win in a karate fight.
Think these categories seem irrelevant? Especially the one about
the names? Then try this on for size. Would Derek Fisher have won
any NBA Championships if his name were Peja Stojakovic? (This is
noteworthy on two levels. First, if Derek Fisher really was Peja
Stojakovic, he wouldn’t have any championship rings. Second,
anyone whose real name is as hard to spell as Predrag but hides
behind the moniker “Peja” clearly will never win an NBA
title.)
With that settled, here are my winners for today’s first
round of the tournament. Call your bookies!
UCLA v. Washington
UCLA coach Ben Howland is balding, and Lorenzo Romar has got
some hair, although he keeps it closely shorn. But, I can’t
simply rely on my own opinions of male pattern baldness. So, I
called Westwood’s own Campagnola Trattoria, to see if any
chefs or waiters there had an opinion on the matter.
“The Bruins are not styled like Italians, but they are
alright; they are just kids,” said Carlo, a host at the
restaurant.
Carlo said Trevor Ariza is his favorite player, and he admires
the freshman’s coiffure.
So, you gotta give it to the Bruins.
Stanford v. Washington State
Both Washington State coach Dick Bennett and Stanford coach Mike
Montgomery have hair, but Montgomery wins because his is less gray.
As far as mascots are concerned, a cougar defeats the color
cardinal or a tree in a karate fight any day. Trees can’t
move, and the tree would get karate chopped by the cougar in about
a second. Also, a color can’t hold nunchucks.
I wanted to call Stanford to get the team’s opinion on its
chances, but when I googled the university’s athletics Web
site, I must have mis-typed, because I got the Samford University
Web site instead. So I called Samford (apparently a Division I
school in Alabama) to ask about the Pac-10 Tournament, and got
Assistant Basketball Coach Lee Burgess on the phone.
DM: Hi, I wanted to know how you guys feel about being the No. 1
seed in the Pac-10 Tournament?
LB: Who is this? This is not Stanford buddy.
DM: Oh my gosh. I must have gotten the name wrong. Who is
this?
LB: This is Samford, buddy.
Since we are talking about semantics, think about this: If
Samford dropped the “˜m’ and added an “˜n’
and a “˜t,’ it would be the No. 1 seed in the Pac-10
Tournament.
Oregon v. California
Bear eats duck.
Arizona v. USC
Is USC coach Henry Bibby one of those guys who shaves his head
by choice? I’ll give this one to Lute Olson and his frosty
head of hair. And as far as cool names are concerned, I don’t
even have to think about this one. USC wins hands down with two
pairs of twins with rhyming first names ““ Errick and Derrick
Craven and Lodrick and Rodrick Stewart.
I called Best Chinese Food and asked whether a wildcat would
beat a Trojan warrior in a fight, but I just got yelled at and hung
up on.
That’s OK, I just found out there is also a university
called Stamford. I bet someone there would have an opinion on the
matter.
E-mail Miller at dmiller@media.ucla.edu to discuss Staples
Center parking.