And so, fellow students, it begins. This week marks the
beginning of finals, complete with all the concern, panic and
stress that invariably accompany these three-hour periods of
unadulterated ecstasy.
The stress, quite frankly, is enough to make one want to enroll
in a class taught by the esteemed Professor Harrick. Because then,
there simply wouldn’t be anything to worry about. We only
wish we could be so lucky here in Westwood.
If you were busy studying, you might have missed this little
nugget of sports minutiae.
Jim Harrick Jr., son of former UCLA basketball coach Jim
Harrick, was recently embroiled in an academic scandal at the
University of Georgia, where his daddy (now unemployed) used to be
coach.
Harrick Jr., then an assistant coach, was somehow allowed to
teach a class at one of the finest universities in the great state
of Georgia. But it wasn’t just any class. It was
“Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball,” and
it was offered in fall 2001.
I don’t even want to get into the fact that Georgia offers
a class such as this. That’s another column.
I’d instead like to focus your attention on the final exam
for said class, which has recently become available to the media in
the middle of an ongoing investigation into academic fraud at
Georgia.
The exam was 20 questions, including such brain-busters as,
“How many halves are in a college basketball game?” and
“How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a
basketball game?” Those were two of the tougher ones.
Of the 20 questions, 18 were multiple choice, and the two
non-multiple-choice questions were “Diagram the three-point
line” and “Diagram the half-court line.”
I mean, the test was so easy even Steve Lavin could have
probably got at least a B on it (ouch, that was kinda harsh).
And even if you majorly bombed the exam, don’t even worry.
Professor Harrick certainly didn’t, because everyone in the
class received As. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Which is exactly why I am offering an equally sweet deal to all
of you. The following three questions comprise the final exam for
UCLA basketball 2003-2004. If you get them right, that’s
awesome. You should probably march right up to Murphy Hall and
petition for a unit or two. If you get them wrong, don’t
worry. In truly Harrick-esque fashion, I will not be grading
them.
So, here it goes.
Question 1: In a clutch situation late in the game UCLA will
…
a. Let Cedric Bozeman drive to the basket and miss a layup.
b. Have Dijon Thompson take a jumper, only to get fouled, miss a
free throw he needed to make, and make one he needed to miss.
c. Turn the ball over.
d. All of the above.
Question 2: Ben Howland is most likely to go home and dream
about …
a. Ryan Walcott’s irresistible smile.
b. Ryan Hollins’ bulging biceps.
c. Michael Fey’s cement hands.
d. The Pittsburgh team (which is still playing, by the way) that
he so foolishly left behind.
Question 3: The single greatest moment of the Bruins’
basketball season was when …
a. Jordan Farmar committed.
b. They almost beat Kentucky.
c. Quinn Hawking, Ike Williams, John Hoffart and Gene Barnes
were all on the court at the same time. Playing.
d. It all came to a merciful end.
Bonus Question:
Diagram the three-point line.
Well, time’s up, and that brings us to the end of our
final examination. It’s been a fantastic quarter, folks. I
hope you’ve all learned something: about loving, about
losing, and about losing.
Things will be better next year. I promise.
Please submit your final exams to Regan at
dregan@media.ucla.edu.