A few months ago, I was approached to write an ongoing column
about television. My editors figured that the only thing I may
spend more time doing than listening to music was watching
television. Now, they reasoned, I could find an even better outlet
for all of my neurotic viewing habits and disgustingly massive
knowledge of pointless pop culture. I guess they got tired of my
music columns not being about music. Now here we are at the end of
the quarter, the year, and, for some, the end of a college career.
What better way to send things off, then, than by examining some of
the best season finales ever? Spoilers lie ahead, for those who
wish to tread there.
“¢bull;”24″ ““ End of season one: The ultimate
gut-check. Throughout its first year, “24” was in
constant danger of cancellation or losing its “real
time” gimmick. The writers had no idea whether the show would
return, so they decided to throw in a serious curveball. The final
arc of the season, which involves the discovery of Jack
Bauer’s partner Nina Myers as a mole, was supposed to play
out with Nina’s capture and Jack’s reunion with his
pregnant wife after her day-long ordeal and kidnapping. Instead,
the writers decided to go for broke and do the unthinkable ““
they cemented Nina Myers’ status as the only person to ever
truly beat Jack Bauer and had her murder his wife. The final shot
of Teri Bauer lying tied up and lifeless in a chair as Jack cradles
her and sobs is outright shocking. “24” has done
unbelievable things since this finale, but none have been as
jaw-dropping as this (Did I mention she was pregnant?).
“¢bull;”The X-Files” ““ End of season one and
beginning of season two: In its first year, “The
X-Files” was an interesting oddity of a show. With this story
arc, however, it went beyond mere sci-fi hokum and became one of
the best television dramas of the last few decades. The closing of
the X-Files at the end of season one and the subsequent pairing of
Mulder with a new partner, Alex Krycek, set the stage for the
show’s long-running conspiracy plotline.
“¢bull;”Star Trek: The Next Generation” ““
“The Best of Both Worlds”: This storyline was so
utterly awesome that one could argue it: 1) could never be topped;
2) ruined “Star Trek” forever; or 3) did both. This
two-parter depicted the Federation’s first battle with the
Borg, a race of hive-minded machines who defeat their opponents by
“assimilating” them into their collective. What
separated them from being the latest crazy aliens of the week was
the fact that the Borg assimilated Captain Picard and he became
“Locutus of Borg.” Seeing a “Star Trek”
captain rain destruction upon his colleagues while uttering the
immortal geek catchphrase “Resistance is futile,” is
something that “Trek” has yet to top. This turned the
Borg into easily the coolest villains in the “Trek”
universe, which led to over a decade of the Borg being worked in to
“Trek” spin-offs. Ironically, the Borg became something
of a crutch for writers out of ideas and desperate for viewers,
helping to the throw the series into a creative tailspin.
“¢bull;”Curb Your Enthusiasm” ““ End of season
three: The third season dealt with Larry’s attempts to open a
restaurant with a group of investors, which at one time included
Ted Danson. In the finale, the restaurant was finally opening but
there was a problem: They discovered the chef had Tourette’s
Syndrome and cursed uncontrollably. On top of this, the restaurant
had an open-air kitchen, so the cursing would be heard by everyone.
Larry and the investors decided to wing it, and sure enough, the
chef begins cursing like a sailor in the middle of the restaurant.
As restaurant-goers looked on in stunned silence, Larry started
cursing like mad as well, and soon the rest of the patrons joined
in, making the chef feel comfortable. There’s something about
seeing hundreds of people, some of them senior citizens, screaming
every objectionable word you could possibly imagine that just makes
me smile.
The tagline for the series finale of “Six Feet
Under” proclaimed that “Everything Ends.” This is
true about a lot of things. Perhaps even this TV column.
But you’ll have to tune in this fall to find the answer to
that.
Where were you when Bauer cried? E-mail Humphrey at
mhumphrey@ucla.edu.