Chris Moriates E-mail him at cmoriates@ucla.edu.
So, “Monsters, Inc.” is “coming out”
today and I started thinking…
“Hmm…” I thought. “Don’t monsters hide
in closets?” Well, then why are all of these monsters
“out of the closet?”
And what’s up with that upside-down triangle nose?
So subliminal. And everybody that has fast-forwarded to the
marriage scene of “The Little Mermaid,” or the romantic
take-off-your-clothes balcony scene of “Aladdin” knows
that Disney and subliminal go together like Bert and Ernie.
Upon further investigation of the “Monsters, Inc.”
press release the plot seemed all too clear:
“Since the very first bedtime, children around the world
have known that once their parents tuck them into bed and shut off
the lights, monsters lie waiting behind closet doors, ready to
emerge.”
It sounds all just a little too scandalous to me. Are those
monsters laying in those dark closets together?
And what the heck is up with the movie’s tagline?
“We scare because we care.” That’s just a little
too Richard Simmons for a monster movie. What happened to real
monsters like Alf and Dennis Rodman?
So, we obviously have a movie about monsters who are
homosexual.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But come on Disney, what are you hiding behind? It’s time
to come clean.
Need further proof?
Well, the main character, James P. Sullivan, known by his hip
nickname “Sulley,” lives with his “assistant and
best friend” Mike Wazowski, who just so happens to be a
“one-eyed monster.”
Sounds a little bit like Smithers and Mr. Burns to me. And
everybody knows that something is going on there with those two
yellow partners in their big mansion.
The press release even calls this monster duo “the scare
pair.”
Does “pair” refer to the fact that someone likes a
certain cycloptic monster as a little more than a friend? Not that
there’s anything wrong with that.
“But Mike is courting a girl monster named Celia!”
you say, raising your voice and smiling at yourself because you
poked a giant hole through my theory.
To which I reply, “You actually saw the movie?”
Plus, I’m confident that is just a simple cover-up: A
carefully planned-out facade, like Tom Cruise … when he wears a
mask to conceal his identity in “Mission:
Impossible.”
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
These monsters are also referred to as “things that go
bump in the night.”
Why all the bumping?
The smoke is beginning to clear on this whole monster thing, and
I think there’s a new ambiguously gay duo coming to town.
You sly animators with your high-tech computer programs. Thought
that you would just slide this little inside joke by us, huh?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Moriates has absolutely no problem with monsters or gay people.
He would love to see “Monsters, Inc.” with you.