We’ve got trouble, right here in Celebrity City.
With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for … Paris?
For those of you living under a rock, Paris Hilton, hotel heiress and celebutante extraordinaire, was sentenced to 45 days in jail on Friday for violating the terms of her probation by driving with a suspended driver’s license.
According to People.com, prosecutors said that Hilton knowingly drove without a license on Feb. 27, though Paris claims she was told by her press representative, Elliot Mintz, that she could drive for “work-related matters.”
Though she may be appealing her jail sentence, I’ve decided to give our favorite Hollywood party girl some suggestions of things to do in the slammer, just in case she has to walk into the pen in her $300 Dior snow boots.
For one thing, she might be able to still socialize. Joe Francis, creator of the sleazy, risque “Girls Gone Wild” series, was sentenced to 35 days in jail on April 24; perhaps they can throw some mad parties together in jail.
Or not. If the cops shut down my 21st birthday party at 2 a.m., I bet they’d shut down a Hilton-Francis jail cell kickback faster than you can say Hilton’s catchphrase, “That’s hot!”
Francis has bragged that Hilton is better in bed than Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart and Tara Reid (not that we care about the last two). This may come in handy for conjugal visits, which may be the only form of release she has.
Plus, any of Paris’s exploits will most certainly be reported back to the media ““ and that way, Paris can still be in the tabloids even when she’s not out and about roaming Rodeo Drive. That’s talent right there.
In fact, I bet Paris could do research for her next big movie role during those 45 days. I can see it now: “Sad, Teary-Eyed Girl Finds Love in Jail.” It could be a documentary, or it could be one of those “based on true life but I won’t admit how much” made-for TV movies.
Hopefully, in this lead role, Paris would have a more challenging part than she did in “House of Wax,” so that she can prove she has the chops to pull off a part worthy of Meryl Streep or Julia Roberts.
On the less strenuous side, Paris can offer fashion advice and make over some of her fellow inmates.
Remember when she did it to Britney Spears? It kind of worked, and at least Brit still had hair when she was BFF with Paris.
Paris’ knack for fashion could turn those black-and-white striped inmate suits into next season’s big thing on the runway. I’m not even kidding with this one. Just think: shirts with one strap, mini skirts, capris ““ sky’s the limit. I bet Dior, Prada and Gucci will totally jump on the chance to add this stuff to their clothing lines.
In fact, I told Daily Bruin fashion columnist Dharmishta Rood about this idea of mine, and she got pretty excited. That means there’s hope for a T-shirt and jeans-wearing girl like me.
So Mischa Barton and Gwen Stefani, get ready. I fully expect you to be wearing the jail-cell look on the red carpet.
Something else Paris can do is bring her toy chihuahua Tinkerbell with her to keep her company during those long, lonely nights. She could hold a Dog Appreciation Day where she educates inmates about the joys of owning dogs (but leave out the parts about carrying them around in her purse ““ though I’ve always wondered which is more expensive, Tinkerbell or the purse?).
Of course, Paris can always take up a hobby like knitting or doing bench press at the prison gym to keep herself occupied. But really, it’s only 45 days ““ you can probably only knit like one or two socks in that amount of time. So forget that.
Only time will tell if Paris actually does go to jail on June 5. If she doesn’t, it will prove once again that celebrity justice means a slap on the wrist and little else.
But if she does, Lindsay Lohan, take note ““ with your current cocaine scandal, you just might need to read this list.
If you like the idea of jail cell-inspired clothes for this summer’s new fashion trend, e-mail Fylstra at jfylstra@media.ucla.edu. If you don’t, e-mail fashion columnist Dharmishta Rood at drood@media.ucla.edu.