With dorm overcrowding and Westwood rent higher than any vaulted
ceiling, chances are you have a roommate. And chances are
you’ve been a sex exile on at least one occasion ““ or
will be soon.
You may be used to seeing each other naked by now, but how do
you avoid accidentally walking in and seeing your roommate’s
mate in the buff? And while you may entertain the idea of a
threesome, hooking up with others in the room fits more under the
category of “scarred for life” than “healthy
experimentation.”
Depending on your relationship with your roommate, laying down
the “How to Get Some Lovin'” law may be awkward,
but it’s completely necessary.
Nothing’s scarier (for either party) than an invasive,
accidental walk-in. Prevent such uncomfortable situations before
they happen and devise a sexile system. Even if none of you is
currently dating, it’s always smart to plan for the future.
(This preparation is much easier than job-hunting, and far more
fruitful.)
Start by developing an obvious door-warning system. Closing or
locking your door is not enough ““ you must be explicit.
Score yourself a code word to write on the white board if you
have one on the outside of your door. For example, my freshman
year, my roommates and I decided on “banana.” It was
appropriate and effective.
Or secure a hotel “Please Do Not Disturb” sign, and
protect yourself from creating your next “most embarrassing
moment.” Keep the sign in a handy spot, and display it when
necessary.
Crank up the volume on your make-out mix and hopefully lyrics
like “Let’s Get it On” will reverberate through
the walls and function as a verbal stoplight, averting any
inadvertent roommate traffic.
If you want to take the more considerate route, and the hook-up
is less last minute, give your roommate a courtesy phone call prior
to the lockout, allowing ample time for privacy-ensuring
arrangements to be made.
Next, discuss strategies for the emergency “Let Me
In!” situation. No matter how much you plan, someone will
leave an item of dire importance in the room and won’t settle
for waiting for you ““ or your partner ““ to finish.
Whether it is a special door knock or a phone call, if you
absolutely must get in the room, communicate this need. However, I
can’t stress the emergency qualifier enough ““ nothing
more effectively kills the romantic mood than a roommate searching
for a textbook while you’re busy gettin’ busy.
Now that you’ve agreed upon a modus operandi for sexilers,
what do you do if you’re a sexilee?
Well, the term carries a biblical root, and rightfully so, as
the partners behind closed doors are getting to know each other in
the biblical sense.
The ancient Israelites composed entire books of Jewish law while
in exile. You could follow suit and start drafting that great
American novel you’ve been meaning to write.
Or, instead of bemoaning your diaspora status, why not work on
getting to the promised land yourself?
If you live in the dorms, wander around, looking to meet a
possible mate. Don’t be too obvious, but also don’t be
afraid to strike up conversation with a stranger. One of my friends
once met her future boyfriend in the Hedrick Hall elevator. No
joke.
Visit a friend on another floor, go for a run to tone those
thighs and butt, or bond with your resident assistant.
Sexiling in the apartments is a bit easier, as you typically can
inhabit the living room, kitchen, or can opt to have quality time
with your other roommates.
However, if you’re stuck being the one stuck outside quite
often, encourage your roommate to explore other venues. Things can
get steamy in the shower, on the roof or in a little-known
stairwell.
Though it can be effectively executed, the sexile system is not
ideal. Invest in a futon for the living room or common area and let
the sexiled one have the room once in a while.
Better yet, take advantage of those nights when one or more
roommates aren’t coming home. Is your roomie pulling an
all-nighter at the library? Use the room to pull your own
all-nighter to study human anatomy with your “lab
partner.”
Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.