I saw a giant inflatable cobra in front of Ackerman the other day, which can only mean that Halloween isn’t far off. But since the holiday falls on a Wednesday, this weekend may be the first and best time for many of us to break out those costumes.
But do you have too much dignity to just throw on some fake animal ears and lingerie and go to parties as a naughty zoo creature? Are you not quite shameless enough to wrap yourself in a ribbon and pin a sign to your chest saying “From: God, To: Women”? Well, then I’ve got some sports-themed costume ideas for you that will leave all of the sexy nurses and wannabe Hugh Hefners out there weeping into their conformity.
Tom Brady: Simple, but a little pricey. All you’ll need to be just like the world’s best-dressed franchise quarterback is an Armani suit and a pound of makeup to make it look like you have an enormous cleft in your chin. Now, granted, we mere mortals can never hope to be as dreamy as the real Tom Brady, but this costume is still sure to be a hit with the ladies. And if you’re already in a relationship, it also folds easily into a couples theme: just have your girlfriend dress up as Brady’s lady love, supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Pretty much the only way this set up can backfire is if you have an ex who happens to show up to the same party dressed as Brady’s baby’s mama, actress Bridget Moynahan. That would just be awkward.
Peyton Manning: With the NFL hype machine squarely focused on the above Mr. Brady and his undefeated New England Patriots, you may never have a better chance to be the only one of your friends to dress up as the NFL’s resident golden boy and corporate pitchman extraordinaire. In fact, until I saw Manning’s Colts play on Monday Night Football this week, I had almost forgotten that he was the greatest thing to happen to football since the forward pass, which, I’m pretty sure, was invented specifically with him in mind. Listening to the announcers gush once more over Manning’s inhuman poise and immaculate audible calling was almost like getting an old friend back. Specifically, an old friend who wanted me to order NFL Sunday Ticket using my MasterCard while talking on my Sprint mobile phone.
Hope Solo: Don’t worry ladies, I’ve got something for you, too. Now, you might think that dressing up as the U.S. soccer goalie who was banished from her team’s final game of the World Cup for publicly criticizing her coach and one of her teammates might not be a great way to make friends. And actually, you’d probably be right. But while dressed as Solo, if at any point during the night another woman starts flirting with a guy you’re interested in, you’re well within your rights to scream at her as much as you want and loudly complain about the situation to anyone around. If someone calls you out on your immature behaivor, just say that you were “in character.” And come on. Homegirl shouldn’t have been talking to your man anyway.
The Colorado Rockies: Nobody really knows what any of their players look like, so just throw on a baseball cap and you’re good to go. For extra style points, consider adding a long, gray beard to match the ones many of the Rockies players have no doubt grown while spending the last eight days wondering if the World Series was ever going to start.
Kevin Love: With basketball season right around the corner, this is the perfect way to kick off your love affair with UCLA’s highly touted freshman forward. The downside is that, unless you happen to be 6-foot-10-inches and 260 pounds, your “Big Love” costume probably won’t be all that convincing. The upside is that “Big Love” also happens to be the name of an HBO drama about polygamy. So if, heaven forbid, the guy dressed up as Tom Brady strikes out with both Gisele and Moynahan … well, happy early Halloween, everybody.
That’s all I’m saying.
If you’re an emotionally distraught sexy nurse wondering how anyone could ever be so cruel to you, contact Lampros at nlampros@media.ucla.edu.