Talking to ex can cure the breakup blues

So one moment your cheeks hurt from smiling so much, you are absolutely content in each other’s arms, and you’re in that annoying stage where you begin all sentences with “we.” The next moment those butterflies in your stomach turn into maggots eating away at your insides, and nothing can make the nausea subside.

Yup, I’m talking about “the breakup.”

There is nothing like the surprise slide tackle of realizing that you will be forced to continue your life without “the one.”

But I say dry your tears, because you are far from alone.

At our young and restless age, dating and breaking up have become a cyclic battle. In fact, a Market Facts survey conducted via the Internet in 2002 found that 59 percent of respondents between 18 and 34 said they had recently experienced a breakup.

One of the most difficult parts of getting over someone is watching them get over you first. Moving on is always hard, but it becomes almost unbearable when someone new has taken your place before you were ready to give it up.

The healthiest way to proceed from a breakup would be to go your separate ways with no hard feelings. However, a split is rarely ever that clean, especially when the reason for the breakup is beyond your control.

After some contemplation, I’ve realized how much I disagree with the statement “what you don’t know can’t hurt you.” Supposedly, ignorance is bliss, at least in regard to the activities of a past love. However, ignorance is almost impossible to obtain. Anything from seeing mutual friends to looking at updated MySpace photos can bring a wave of nausea.

Now, if all my exes fell off the face of the Earth and there was no way of knowing what ““ or who ““ they were doing, that would be a different story.

The truth is, however, that someone came before you and someone will come after you. So, in honor of maturity and healthy healing, here is my attempt at sharing what I know about letting go and letting the one you just lost be happy.

I’ve discovered that the endless “what if” questions that plague you will hurt much more than just knowing the truth about the person who replaced you. Putting a face to a name (or even just learning the name) will allow those questions to fade away.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a passive Facebook stalking session. That will most likely lead to more confusion and countless hours staring at photographs of people you don’t know.

I’m actually advising you go to the source ““ your ex. Pending his or her cooperation, just flat out ask the questions that have been on your mind: what he or she looks like, how they met, why they click and anything else that you have had unpleasant dreams or thoughts about.

Although this may sound like cruel and unusual, self-induced punishment, the answers your ex gives you won’t compare to the awful answers you can think up on your own.

The most mature decision you can make is to accept that you cannot change the situation. It’s human nature to have thoughts of revenge initially, but that kind of mentality will just wind up hurting people.

Any competitiveness or jealousy will make the situation worse and could result in the loss of a friendship in addition to the loss of a relationship.

A key piece in this mature approach to moving on is knowing when to get out. Have your conversation, tolerate whatever information you can, then walk away.

Sitting there sipping through another drink, searching for the solution to mend the relationship between the two of you is not the goal, especially when the chemistry is still present.

Crossing back into the gray area of flirtation and attraction will completely undermine your original intentions. If you wind up in bed together, any progress you may have made toward the finish line will be erased, and you will have a whole new set of problems on your hands.

Ultimately, I’m talking about a path to closure, not to rekindling. Obviously, your mind will wander back to him or her sometime. The goal is to be able to do that without cringing or crying.

After a breakup, let the sulking run its course, have the conversation with your ex to put your mind at ease and walk away with the door firmly closed behind you.

You won’t feel better until you get over it and allow yourself to be happy for the person you once loved. After all, you should never regret or look poorly upon something that used to make you smile.

Are you post-breakup, too? E-mail Forde at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *