Philosopher Thomas Hobbes once famously stated, “The life
of man (is) solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.”
If you are a political science student like myself, it’s
more than likely that one of your professors has asked or will ask
you to ponder the meaning of these words.
And while many of us attribute Hobbes’ anger to his having
lived during an era characterized by a devastating civil war, a
continent-sweeping plague of death and a life expectancy of 30
years, I don’t think I ever truly understood what would drive
a man to such bitter ends.
But today, I have something to say:
Tom, I know exactly how you feel.
Last week I went without premium cable. Sure, there might be
some of you who have never had the luxury of having hundreds of
channels at your disposal, but for someone who grew up on MTV and
HBO, the change was traumatic.
With that warning, here’s a daily rundown of what my week
was like.
Day One: I sat down in front of the television in the morning
before school and briefly flipped through the few stations I have
before getting bored and distracted. I went the entire afternoon
without television, and I only felt minor remorse over missing
“Six Feet Under”.
Day Two: I woke up feeling a bit jittery, so went out and bought
every trashy magazine I could find from Star to US Weekly, in an
effort to appease my unfulfilled desire to watch “E! True
Hollywood Story” and “Fashion File.” I managed to
read each magazine at least three times before even considering to
pick up a U.S. News & World Report. Eventually, I got tired of
thinking and resorted to watching old episodes of “7th
Heaven” and “Saved by the Bell.”
Day Three: I spent the entire morning watching “Blind
Date” and “Elimidate,” but I felt weird about
watching these during daylight hours. Reluctantly, I gave in to
watching the news in effort to replace “The Daily Show”
as my source for political information, but I only felt more
empty.
Day Four: I left the house in a panic about midday, and I found
myself wandering to the apartments of friends I didn’t even
really like, just for a glimpse of “TRL” or re-runs of
“The Real World.” After a few hours, my friends kicked
me out, causing me great distress and confusion.
Day Five: I started quoting lines from “Reba,” only
to receive cold and puzzled stares. After watching the “CBS
Nightly News,” there are voices in my head arguing over
whether Dan Rather or Tom Brokaw would look hotter in a
two-piece.
Day Six: Desperate and fatigued, I called everyone I knew, but
nobody would let me come over to watch their cable, causing me
great anxiety. I haven’t showered for days, and I’m
wearing the same sweat pants from three days ago. I blacked out and
found myself sitting on my couch staring at a blank television
screen, covered in food crumbs and quietly sobbing to myself.
Day Seven: The worst is finally here. I actually picked up a
textbook.
E-mail Scott at jscott@media.ucla.edu