Joe Bruin has a secret and it’s got nothing to do with 8-claps or sports teams.
The truth is: He smells. He smells real bad.
Every time Miles Prince, the man behind the mask, gets out of the suit that “smells like death,” he’s forced to take multiple showers to suppress the stench. Even just transporting the suit makes his car smell like a hearse. Pretty soon UCLA may only be playing home games ““ other schools won’t want him stinking up their stadiums.
It’s that bad.
Fortunately for Prince, and the rest of us, there’s a solution in sight: the 2007 Capital One Mascot Open.
It’s a competition of will, strength and character ““ but more importantly, a large cash prize.
The open pits Joe Bruin against 11 other nationally prominent mascots in a rotisserie style head-to-head vote-off. Each week, Joe is matched up against another mascot and voters (anyone) are eligible to pick their favorites once a day.
See, Joe has already guaranteed UCLA’s mascot program $5,000 for making the final 12. But he needs the winner’s prize of $5,000 more to put the program in position to finally replace their 8-year-old Bruin suits.
However, that’s all easier said than done.
You may never have noticed but Joe Bruin is, well, physically impaired. Because of his abnormally large head, the man can’t even lift his arms above his shoulders.
Unlike Monte from Montana, whose moves include backflips, the splits and some kind of shimmy shake, Joe’s signature routine is basically limited to an 8-clap and some kind of pelvic-thrusting, roof-raising primal dance.
“The structure of our suit ““ the way the head sits on us ““ we can’t get our hands fully above our shoulders,” Prince said. “We just physically can’t do a lot of acrobatic stuff.”
It’s enough to make a grown man cry. But that’s only the beginning. Not only does Joe lack the flexibility of say, a Monte or a Seymour of Southern Miss, he is also dragged down by his mockery, no, travesty of a suit. Needless to say, it’s not pretty.
So what happened when Joe showed up in Canada with a stanky, dilapidated suit to shoot some Capital One commercials?
“People found it very hard to believe that the suit I showed up in was UCLA’s mascot suit,” Prince said. “There were definitely some jokes cracked about my nose having a hole in it. Before every shot, the wardrobe people had to do some extensive interior duct taping to get camera ready.
“A couple guys had new heads made just for the Capital One commercials. They showed up with brand new heads that had never been used ““ a huge contrast compared to an 8-year-old suit.”
Fortunately, Joe has overcome his aesthetic shortcomings and is currently in a three-way tie for second place behind only Zippy of Akron. Joe’s currently riding a three-week winning streak, but you know what they say ““ it’s not over until Big Red sings.
But when it really comes down to it, Joe needs your help. For him to have a chance at those new suits and UCLA’s first Mascot Open victory, he’s going to need your hearts, your minds and your votes.
“As we get down to the nitty gritty, we’re trying to get people to vote sophisticated because you can’t just vote for Joe,” Prince said. “You should check the standings and be smart about who you vote for.”
So go on capitalonebowl.com and vote for Joe.
Because I can already smell him coming from about a mile away.
Contact Feder at jfeder@media.ucla.edu if you think Zippy is cheating.