I’ve always wondered what is it about election night that
gets people so hyped up?
Sure, I know the candidate who takes home the coveted title of
the president of our nation is a bid deal, but when this night
rolls around every four years, spending it in front of the
television set seems a little dull.
I’m sorry, but the appeal of a romantic evening in front
of the television with me and that sex-kitten Tom Brokaw just does
not do it for me.
But last night I discovered the reason that November 2nd is so
amazingly awesome. And it has nothing to do with the pouty-lips and
seductive stares of any national newscaster.
For me, the best part of last night’s festivities were the
beer serving, people gathering, food-consuming “election
parties.”
Now I know elections are supposed to be about preserving our
democratic spirit and making our voices heard as citizens of our
grand republic, but let’s be real.
It’s just an excuse to throw a great party.
Sure, my night of party-going might not have taught me a lot
about our Democratic system, but I did learn that the best way to
maximize your enjoyment is to remember this simple rule: There are
a few different types of people who populate political parties.
Five different types, to be exact.
First is what I like to call Laptop Guy: As the boyscout of the
electoral process, he’s committed himself to staying on top
of the night’s events more than anyone else at the party.
Fully equipped with his laptop and radio, in addition to the
television and gigantic wall map of America he created by hand, his
life mission is to predict the winner hours before the local news
does. Definitely avoid this guy; sometimes early prediction are the
most inaccurate.
Next is the Party Planner: This non-combative organizer is more
concerned with creating the perfect party atmosphere than actually
watching which candidate is currently leading with the votes.
Besides inviting a “diverse” mix of people to their
party, she makes sure there are no arguments or loud outburst that
might disrupt the mood. She can be seen high-handedly coloring in
Laptop Guy’s wall map, not because she cares about the
results, but because she enjoys coloring.
The third type of election partygoer is the Drunk Guy. Dropping
political sexual innuendos like nobody’s business, this party
enthusiast brings a new meaning to dirty politics. Sure, it might
not sound that offensive that he used election as a reason to bust
out his secret stash of Jack Daniels, but you’ll probably
change your mind after he tells you for the fifth time that
“his is the poll that never closes.”
Fourth is the Die-hard Democrat. The only thing not blue about
this one’s party is the red party cups, as the state map
turned from purple to deep red, you could have found this party
supporter’s wide-eyed optimism slowly dying. You can find him
sitting in front of the television locked in a intense stare with
the local newscaster, desperately whispering to others “If we
just get Ohio …” The drinks are sure to run out fast at
this person’s house.
And last, but not least is the Rowdy Republican. Some describe
this one as scary, some say over-involved, but one thing is for
sure; this one’s in good spirits. Shouting
“touchdown!” and “you can’t recount that,
biotch” with every new state the Electoral College hands
them, you can probably find this one running up and down the
streets claiming victory by the end of the night. Over-zealous?
Maybe. Too Preemptive? We might not be able to answer that one for
a while.
So to those of you who scoff at my commitment to freedom and
democracy, I say this: If we had more elections, we wouldn’t
need birthdays or bachelor parties.
Got too drunk to remember who was elected president? E-mail
Scott at jscott@media.ucla.edu.