Every year, hundreds of thousands of people videotape themselves
doing one thing.
I know what you’re thinking, and it has nothing to do with
those scandalous sex tapes pseudo-celebrities
“accidently” leak to the public to boost their
popularity. The video I’m talking about is the reality
television audition tape.
We’ve all seen them. They normally appear during the first
episode of any reality show where contestants need to apply (i.e.
“Survivor,” “The Apprentice,” even that
morally repulsive/utterly amazing show “The Swan”),
showcasing why the given contestant believes he or she would be
perfect for the show.
But making the audition tape has always been the one thing
holding me back from applying for any of these shows. (I mean, how
great would it be to win “The Swan” pageant and throw
it in the other girls’ faces that I was the prettiest
post-ugly beauty queen?) Maybe it’s all the effort it would
take to get hold of a video camera, or maybe it’s the cost of
postage to send in the stupid video, but I’ve never managed
to overcome my worries and make something for one of these
shows.
Lucky for me, MTV has evolved past the dreaded audition tape, as
I discovered when my friend Alex twisted my arm and persuaded me to
try out for one of those dating shows (think
“Taildaters” or the ever-famous
“Dismissed”) the channel always airs right before the
never-ending three-hour marathon of screaming Jojo fans known as
TRL.
After showing up at the studio, I had to fill out a huge packet
about my dating history that probably read like a cross between a
cheesy adult romance novel and a really bad “Baby-sitters
Club” book.
They finally called me in for the actual on-camera interview, a
situation about as uncomfortable to watch as Anna Nicole’s
trashed AMA Awards speech. What I expected to be an interview about
who I was quickly turned into an interview about what
“type” of person I was, forcing me to describe myself
as either “punk” or “conservative” and
leaving very little room in between.
Ultimately, they pegged me as the butchy, bitchy, bitter guy who
was fed up with more than just love. Talk about typecasting.
So maybe it doesn’t sum up the multi-faceted,
three-dimensional person I am. Or maybe all I really am is a
butchy, bitchy, bitter guy.
We’ll have to wait and see how it looks on tape.
E-mail Scott at jscott@media.ucla.edu.