Football, as a lot of people like to point out, is a violent
sport. But it doesn’t really stand out from other sports in
its level of violence ““ one look at boxing or hockey, for
instance, will confirm that. So what is so special about
America’s most popular sport? Well, you have to give credit
where it’s due; though it may not be the most violent of
sports in America, it is the most musical.
When I say that football is the most musical American sport, I
don’t mean it in the traditional sense. The movements
aren’t particularly rhythmic ““ though they are often
meticulously synchronized (the Patriots are better choreographed
than the monsters in the “Thriller” video) ““ and
for all the actual dancing the players do, they’re not even
allowed to organize their celebrations (that would be
un-sportsmanlike, though hardly un-American). But they do wear
tights like the nifty ones ballet dancers twirl around in.
And sure, basketball and rap music have a long history together.
But there’s never been a good rap song about basketball,
there’s never been a good rap song by a basketball player and
there’s never been a good
former-rapper-turned-basketball-player (The closest was Lil Bow Wow
in that movie where he finds those magic shoes and starts dunking
on people like he’s Vince Carter and it’s the Sydney
Olympics all over again, but that wasn’t real.)
Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch, but it’s a sport
that’s hopelessly un-hip, which is very un-MTV, which is in
turn not very music-in-America these days. Figure skaters also wear
tights, and the music they skate to is fully integrated into the
competition, but we don’t care about that.
No, football is the most musically American sport because it
understands that whenever music is involved, what really matters is
image and spectacle. Even in college games, when a band of
talented, thoroughly rehearsed musicians takes the field, the crowd
is mostly interested in what cool formation they’re going to
make next.
It’s all a show. The pre-game show. The halftime show. And
the mother of all concerts, the Super Bowl Halftime Show, which
just might be the most-watched concert of the year. Every February,
we Americans get a chance to show the world our cultural
superiority and glorious excess, and boy, do we deliver. None of
that artsy crap those Europeans tried to pull at Athens.
We’re talking pyrotechnics, gazillion mega-watt lighting,
exposed breasts and fighter jets. Britney Spears in a cutoff uni
rocking out with Aerosmith and Kid Rock.
Now that I’ve established that the halftime show is as
American as apple pie (or at least as American as ordering secret
military recon missions in countries with hostile regimes), I want
to call attention to the embarrassingly bad decision to select none
other than Sir Paul McCartney for this year’s Super Bowl
Halftime Show. He may be one of the most influential pop musicians
in history, but damnit, he’s British. He comes from a country
that calls football games “matches” (what is this,
tennis?) and where shin guards are more important than helmets.
He’s almost older than TV. For Dubya’s sake, he’s
a vegetarian! What is this country coming to?
We have a little over a week to change this. A petition needs to
be started to replace Sir Paul. With whom, you ask? Two words:
Ashlee Simpson. Seriously. After her SNL lip-synching debacle and
getting booed by tens of thousands at halftime of the Orange Bowl
(that’s another thing, football fans also had the sense to
boo Ja Rule and Ashanti at halftime a couple of years ago in
Philly), watching Ashlee on the biggest of live performance stages
would be the most riveting TV this side of the “Joe
Millionaire” finale. And FOX won’t have to worry about
any FCC fines, as offensive as the broadcast might end up.
Come on ““ Ashlee Simpson for Super Bowl XXXIX. It’s
the only patriotic thing to do.
E-mail Lee at alee2@media.ucla.edu.