If there’s one thing I think is wrong with the world,
it’s celebrities who use their 15 minutes of fame to spread
their own political convictions.
If you’ve driven down Sunset Boulevard lately, you know
just what I’m talking about. Just keep your eyes open and
you’ll catch Charlize Theron’s gigantically judgmental
billboard sponsored by PETA hanging over the street. It shouts,
“If you wouldn’t wear your dog, please don’t wear
any fur.” Yuck, Charlize, thanks for the mental image.
But I have to be honest for a moment. I’m not so much
bothered by stars taking stands as much as I’m bothered by
stars taking stands that I personally disagree with. It’s
sort of lame, but all too true.
Like if the dim-witted Jessica Simpson went on a highly
publicized and flashy campaign for subsidizing health care, I
probably wouldn’t mind. What’s that? Paris Hilton is
running for office? As long as she’s for furthering the ban
on nuclear weapons sales and increasing the minimum wage, I’m
right behind her. Who am I kidding, I’d probably even get
behind the entire cast of “American Idol” as long as
they were pro-marriage equality and committed to balancing the
budget.
But as soon as you use your “star” power to cross
paths with me ideologically, taking some crazy stance like putting
more religion in the classroom or something, you can expect me to
take a stance on you, and I guarantee it won’t be pretty.
This is exactly what happened on the finale of NBC’s
“Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search.” So how did
the search for the next cover girl turn into a politically charged
torrent of political jargon and moral degradation? Well, it all
comes down to a model named Shannon and an issue very dear to her
big beautiful heart: abstinence.
In the final contest, it came down to two girls: Alicia and
Shannon. Things kicked off with a photo shoot at The W Hotel (the
one over on Hilgard Avenue), only to be followed by a brief reunion
with each model’s family, which was by far my favorite part
of the show. Alicia returned to the trailer park she grew up in,
only to be greeted by her brace-faced, dowdy younger sister and
freshly shaven father (whom I suspect the show’s producers
had to do a quick “Swan”-style overhaul for just to
make him look presentable).
Shannon, on the other hand, returned to her comfortable,
middle-American WASP home, where she enjoyed a home-cooked meal
with her large extended family. It didn’t appear that
Alicia’s family would be dining that evening.
Of course, before the episode was through and the ultimate
pin-up girl was selected, Shannon jumped back onto her soap box,
expressing her innate desire to be not just another model, but more
importantly a “role model for abstinence.”
And that was the moment my general disinterest in Shannon turned
into a vindictive desire to slap her hypocritical, yet surprisingly
photogenic face.
It’s so ridiculous that she wants to be seen as a good
Christian role model for abstinence; she’s dragging her
“Jesus” jugs all over the beaches of some remote
tropical location, posing as cheap fodder for a magazine that is
only going to go hand-in-hand with a box of tissues, a bottle of
Jergen’s and a sweat-drenched 14-year-old boy.
As far as I see it, taking on some type of “moral
agenda” is a greater endeavour than Shannon is capable of
achieving. Models sell sex. That’s just what they do. In
fact, that’s all they do, and that’s really all they
should do. I guarantee her photos will make a lot more guys horny
than they will make girls stay away from sex. Maybe that’s a
bad thing, but in my eyes, it’s better than letting a bunch
of underweight sex symbols tell me who I’m not allowed to
sleep with.
But then again, at least with the way things are now, we
probably won’t ever have to see any celebs decked out in a
dress made from 100 percent poodle carcass.
Damn it, Charlize.
Know where to buy an affordable fur coat? E-mail Scott at
jscott@media.ucla.edu.