Studying abroad can be one of the most rewarding experiences you
can get from a university education. You get to see and learn about
new places, meet fascinating people, and basically have your world
turned upside down.
Of course, tough choices abound when deciding to study abroad:
Where, when, for how long should you go?
But for some, an entirely different question that isn’t on
the application can become much more trying. Should you break up
with a significant other or extend your relationship by thousands
of miles?
Of all the potential problems facing collegiate couples,
studying abroad truly is the largest dating dilemma. Going away can
force couples to prematurely part or to bitterly remain together at
the cost of more than bad exchange rates.
This continental question forces both parties to discuss the
status and future of their relationship. Couples are forced to
assess whether they could adapt to a long-distance arrangement and
whether they would want to.
What makes this decision so tough is that you don’t know
exactly how you’ll feel when you’re away. While some
choose the “let’s see how it goes” approach, this
can often end in impersonal break-ups over the phone and across
oceans.
Adopting an ambivalent trial period also erodes trust on both
side, leaving both parties wondering if the other is out there
looking for something better ““ which is essentially why the
non-decision decision is chosen. One person doesn’t want to
break up, yet would feel freer with a looser vow of commitment in
case he or she has a change of heart.
Let’s consider the possible consequences of staying
together. You’ll have less bonding time with your group and
new friends if you’re on the phone with your stateside
sweetie all the time. You may not get to take advantage of being in
a new place and absorbing the culture like you could if you dated a
native.
Also, studying abroad is already expensive ““ now add on
calling cards for cross-continental marathon phone sessions and
long nights at Internet cafes, and that’s a lot of money you
could’ve spent on traveling or sightseeing.
But the worst part of staying together would have to be the
inevitable jealousy, possible mistrust and real or perceived
infidelity.
Not to mention the worst-case scenario ““ sticking it out
through the separation, only to break up when the traveler returns
to the States. This happens all the time, as studying abroad often
allows you to become more independent. Sometimes that means
cringing at being dependent on someone else or even being intensely
depended upon.
Studying abroad can also be the best thing for a struggling
relationship, a good reason to break it off with less of a chance
of hurting the other person.
But there are those really committed, long-term relationships
where staying together despite a quarter ““ or even a year
apart ““ really is the best decision.
If both of you see the possibility of making it in the long-run
(i.e. marriage, or at least a year or two of college), or if you
really can’t see yourself with anyone else and the thought of
foreign accents honestly doesn’t entice you ““ go for
it.
And there are a few remedies you can seek to make the separation
easier.
For example, invest in a pair of Web cams and you won’t
technically be going months without seeing each other. Sending love
letters par avion can add some good, ol’ fashioned romance to
your 21st-century relationship. If your stateside significant other
has the time and funds, planning a romantic rendezvous could be
worth the time apart ““ especially if you’re traveling
in France.
Wherever you’ll be studying, if you’re dealing with
a relationship, you never know where it will be when you return
““ or if there will be another one in its place. It’s a
little like going to the airport with a ticket to an undisclosed
location. All you can do is plan beforehand, pack light, and
remember to take your camera.
Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu if you’ve ever gone speed-dating
““ in any country.