Howard Ho
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May the Jar Jar Binks be with you. Welcome to another edition of
the pedantic, indignant educational column, always ready to prove
that hundreds of millions of dollars and high-tech special effects
do not equal movie greatness. Today we are joined by Jar Jar Binks,
the star of the new “Star Wars” installment,
“Attack of the Clones.”
After having waited in line for hours among anxious denizens
(actually, I showed up midway through the previews to a half-filled
theater), I was able to behold the greatest and most colossal
comedy of our time. Certainly Jim Carrey could learn a few tricks
from watching the new “Star Wars” and realize that
taking yourself too seriously can often be funnier than being
self-consciously wacky.
For example, Jar Jar Binks is perhaps the greatest comedic actor
since Charlie Chaplin. He has the slapstick grace, the vocal
cunning, and the wonderful role as the only interesting character
in the entire film. Why didn’t we see more of you, Jar
Jar?
“Lucas no let meesa. Fans be pissed off,” Binks
said.
Nevertheless, the two scenes with Jar Jar were the highlights of
the film. Who can forget the hilarity of watching Binks say to the
Galatic Senate, “Meesa propose emergency powers,” which
is perhaps the greatest parody of governmental authority since
Chaplin’s “The Great Dictator.”
“Dank yoo. Actually, Lucas makes me speak with this
idiotic accent. If I don’t, he says he’ll kill my
family,” Binks said, as he broke down and cried.
Other than Bink’s storied role in the film, it was a flop.
Let’s now analyze its floppiness (as if I needed to).
Item one: the love story or “they fall in love in spite of
restrictions.” In “Titanic,” this worked because
Jack and Rose’s love conquered class distinctions, cultural
distinctions, and even a huge sinking ship which symbolized both
class and culture. In “Star Wars,” the romance between
Anakin and Amidala is fueled merely by the fact that they are
around each other so much. The Jedi Council even encourages them to
be together. Doesn’t anyone have a clue that two hormonal
teenagers on a planet with beautiful waterfalls and picnic-perfect
grassland will inevitably gravitate to each other romantically?
Item two: the setting, or “a huge world of intrigue where
the love must be tested.” The Jedi Council seems to be about
as action-oriented as a group of accountants. They sit in nice
circles and talk nonsense while nodding their heads and doing
nothing. When Obi-Wan tells Yoda about a possible evil conspiracy,
he passively says in bureaucratic terms, “Meditate on this I
will.”
“Yoda gets on your nerves with that backward speech
crap,” Binks said as he sucked down a cigarette.
In “Titanic,” the people in power actually tried to
keep Jack and Rose apart. This created tension, drama, and, dare I
say, sympathy for the characters. The Jedi Council, with all its
powers of mind-reading and future prognosis, does not detect
Anakin’s feelings, while he makes unequivocal clichés
like “She haunts me. I can’t get her out of my
head.” Lucas should have taken it all the way by having
Anakin belt out, “You are my fire, the one desire. I want it
that way!” Without restrictions on their love, Anakin and
Amidala have nothing to rebel against.
Item three: the conspiracy, or “the men who plot
destruction.” In “Titanic,” this role was
fulfilled by the actual sinking of the ship, which represented a
loss of aristocratic naiveté and bourgeois extravagance.
Everyone scrambles as they realize their very lives are in danger.
In “Star Wars,” the Sith are overtaking the republic
and no one cares.
“I cared. But Lucas cut the scenes where I become a Jedi
and save some kids from a bad monster,” Binks sulked.
As a result Bink’s heroic-themed solo project, “Star
Wars: the Return of the Son of Jar Jar,” has also been
unfortunately shelved.
With prospects dim, Jar Jar remains optimistic that the
“Star Wars” franchise and its culturally significant
dogmas and characters will always have a place in the film
business.
“My next project is an adult film called “˜Jar Jar
does Naboo.’ I think I can prove to Lucas and to the world
that I’m sexy, leading-man material,” Binks said.