Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare
to die.”
Just imagine that revenge-crazed Spaniard bearing down on you,
waving his magnificent blade around and threatening you with
certain death. It still sends chills down my spine.
“The Princess Bride,” one of nearly
everybody’s favorite flicks, features some of the most
ridiculously sweet sword fighting ever captured on film, and while
watching it on DVD, I came to the following epiphany: Fencing is
awesome.
This notion was only confirmed when TNT decided to show Zorro
for the 100th straight day, and I still watched it for the 100th
time just because I enjoyed watching Antonio Banderas cleverly
disrobe Catherine Zeta-Jones with the point of his blade.
Now might be a good time to mention the fact that, in my final
quarter here at UCLA, I’m taking a grand total of one class.
This is how I can afford to watch the same movie on TV over and
over again. So, in an effort to fill up these grand reservoirs of
free time, I thought I might try to scratch my fencing itch, and
learn how to properly poke someone with a sword and then give them
a good “Yo’ mama!” for good measure.
Swordplay on film has given audiences some of their greatest
thrills, not only with the fine choreography, but also the witty
banter back and forth.
Remember Inigo battling the Dread Pirate Roberts atop the cliffs
of despair? Or how about Zorro battling it out with Zeta-Jones in
the stables? Every parry and repost features an equally sharp jest,
insult or comeback.
In fact, in one of the earliest video games I can ever remember
playing, Monkey Island, whether you won or lost a sword fight
depended on choosing the correct verbal jibe against your opponent.
So, when I decided to try my hand at fencing, I figured I should
practice sharpening my tongue more than my blade. However, I soon
discovered that fencing is no laughing matter.
A quick Google search for “fencing” and
“UCLA” provided me with all the information I needed.
Not only does the Wooden Center offer a beginner’s fencing
class, but the UCLA fencing club meets three times a week, and even
total beginners are welcome. Surely, in no time I would be learning
the
retreat-up-the-stairs-then-swing-from-the-chandelier-behind-your-opponent
move, and soon I could perfect the
dodge-the-sword-so-it-gets-stuck-in-something-solid-and-then-stab-them
move. Believe it or not, however, these are not officially
recognized fencing moves. In fact, I didn’t hear anyone
trading insults or doing back flips.
As it turns out, you’re not allowed to talk to your
opponent during a bout. Cordiality and civility are expected in
this gentleman’s sport.
“There are no yo’ mama jokes or any crap like
that,” said Nelson Villaluz, a third-year aerospace
engineering student and captain of the men’s foil team.
There is, however, good-natured competition between the three
types of weapons: foil, saber and epee.
Foil seems to be the standard, and is rather stylish. Epee is
hard to pronounce. I’m currently trying to learn saber,
because most of the club team members said I looked like a saber
fencer.
I’m not sure yet which type of weapon a pirate might use,
but that’s the one I need. Because, for me, the whole point
of this endeavor is to have the following conversation with a
pirate while we battle for buried treasure, Monkey Island
style:
Me: “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of
elderberries!” Advance double, slash!
Pirate: “Yaargh! My mother was a saint! How dare
you!” Retreat double, parry and counterattack!
Me: “Is that a rubber chicken in your pocket?”
Advance twice, lunge!
Pirate: “Aye! His name is Darren and he’s twice the
pirate you’ll ever be!” Dodge!
Me: “Then why is he wearing underwear with little red
hearts?!” Run him through!
Pirate (distracted): “Darren, are you wearing my underwear
aga ““ … oh no!” Death!!
Yuhl wonders what kind of underwear Zorro found when
disrobing Catherine Zeta-Jones. E-mail him your thoughts at
cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.