Doug Lief dlief@media.ucla.edu
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Lucas Helder, the greatest enemy to mailboxes since pickup
trucks, baseball bats and alcohol were all taken together, has made
one thing abundantly clear since his capture for a string of pipe
bombings: he hates the government. His spree was, in part, prompted
by a desire to get the government’s attention. The fact is,
this kind of thing wouldn’t be necessary were George W. Bush
responsive to the needs of crackpots.
Crackpots are, and always have been, an underrepresented
minority in government, although the 7 percent of the popular vote
garnered by Ross Perot in 1992 shows that some progress has been
made. But Congressman Waxman refused to reply to any of my letters
pleading that the government admit that it has either been putting
mind-controlling devices in our chicken, or the more frightening
inverse, that the government has been putting mind-controlling
chickens in our devices.
Ever wonder what that funny noise is coming from your cell-phone
charger? Of course you don’t, because the chicken’s got
your mind by the parietal lobe!
To examine Helder’s specific case; he included letters
with his pipe bombs, and even sent a letter to the University of
Wisconsin-Madison newspaper. According to CNN, “The bulk of
the problems, the letter said, could be traced to government
intervention in individual lives and the government encouraging
people to fear death, which the writer said does not exist.”
The Daily Bruin receives letters like this all the time, which we
keep in a special file that only comes out when the Viewpoint staff
feels like a good laugh, or for evidentiary purposes. This means
that all of my lovely stalkers who write to the Daily Bruin get
filtered out, so please don’t be discouraged, ladies. Stalk
away. Please.
Helder, however, is absolutely right that the government teaches
us to fear death. Did you know that trying to murder people with
exploding containers of nails is illegal? This is exactly the kind
of government interference that we crackpots are trying to get the
rest of you “mortals” to notice. When exploding
containers of nails are outlawed, only outlaws will have exploding
containers of nails. The government has completely failed to
recognize all of the legitimate recreational uses of exploding
containers of nails. For example, who hasn’t enjoyed the
pleasures of exploding nail container fishing?
What President Bush must understand is that there are many
Americans who wish the government would stay out of the way they
live their daily life. In my life I can’t help but be
hassled. I wake up around 8:30 a.m., maybe go running a little,
take a shower, walk to class, come back, have lunch, do a little
reading, work on the column, go back to campus for another class,
come back, eat dinner, go hang out with my friends, come home, and
sleep. Just think of how much easier that would go if the
government didn’t screw it up.
Dick Cheney and Colin Powell, at least, have shown some level of
responsiveness to crackpot needs by jet-setting from one crazy
bastard to the next in attempt to keep propaganda-fed zealots from
hurting themselves. Meanwhile, our fearless president continues his
tour of elementary schools, undaunted by threats of wet willies and
bullyism.
Unfortunately, we have been saddled with a President Billy
Madison in a post-Little Nicky world. This country is full of
paranoid maniacs, and that’s why we need someone who
understands that point of view. Have you considered the excitement
to be found in economist and politician crackpot Lyndon
LaRouche?
In an article which appeared in the Executive Intelligence
Review on March 10, 2000, LaRouche wrote, “The record shows,
that for nearly 30 years, elements of the U.S. Department of
Justice have been engaged in worldwide political targeting of me
and my associates.”
Hmm, pretty crazy, but I’m the kind of guy who eats
aluminum foil. Well, read on: An article on the LaRouche Web site
titled, “Has Your Neighbor Been Brainwashed About Lyndon
LaRouche?” states, “Millions of Americans have been the
victims of what amounts to a brainwashing campaign against
LaRouche, carried out between 1984 and 1988 in the USA and
internationally with more intensity, duration, and scope, than
against any personality not a major figure of government.”
Mmm, that’s good crazy.
A dash of narcissism and anti-government paranoia is just what
this nation of X-Files fans need now that the truth is no longer
out there. When the government is as insecure as we are, then we
can sleep in peace. Nobody is going to pipe bomb us if they think
the government is too mentally unstable to keep a secret.