I’m pretty sure Britney Spears has officially lost it. If
her new show, “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” is any
indication, then the girl is slipping into Michael Jackson levels
of insanity faster than even than the King of Pop himself.
It’s like one minute she’s a Mouseketeer, the next
minute she might be touching one, and I’m just worried that
it won’t be much longer before she suffers a Mariah
Carey-style breakdown and has to exchange her tight-fitting tees
for a straitjacket.
But maybe I’m being a little harsh, even for me. Have we
all come down on Britney too hard? I mean, the life of a celebrity
has got to be pretty tough at times.
And we’ve all had our “crazy” moments. Most of
mine, of course, have been aided by more than a little help from my
pals Samuel Adams and Johnnie Walker. But you can’t deny that
you haven’t, at least once, been a little intoxicated and
done something completely out of character.
Like that time you got smashed and took off your clothes and
danced on a table. Or the time you drunk-dialed that special
somebody you just met a day ago and explained that you were in love
with him or her and hoped he or she felt the same way. Or even the
time you got a little tipsy and made out with your brother.
Really? That last one’s just me?
Anyway, the point is, you’ve never really lived until
you’ve had times like these where you got a little crazy.
Unfortunately, the new mother-to-be can’t blame her
bizarre antics on a little moonshine. I can be understanding about
the occasional barefoot stroll through a gas station bathroom or a
drunk Vegas wedding, but the girl is beginning to make “You
Drive Me Crazy” more than just a song. It’s her
lifestyle, and she’s got a camera to prove it.
“Chaotic” is just that: irrational, impulsive and
downright stupid at times, and what’s even more frightening
is that she appears to be sober during most of it.
In case you missed the pop princess’s first stab at
reality television, let me break it down for you.
At first glance, it’s like a total homage to “The
Blair Witch Project.” Britney is more than liberal with the
zoom lens, and the result is a more-than-unflattering look at her
broken-out skin and splotchy makeup job.
In fact, it’s these “up close and personal”
angles that make the show most difficult to watch. Look, I know
she’s trying to be real and gritty, but shoving a camera up
your nose, making goofy faces and giggling a lot is only going to
make you seem that much stranger.
What’s even crazier are the people she surrounds herself
with. Meet Britney’s “best friend” and personal
assistant, Felicia. Felicia (what a hot name) is a middle-aged
virgin with braces and a really bad overbite. According to Britney,
“There’s no one else like her.” No, Britney,
she’s definitely a diamond in the rough.
Besides Felicia, though, she really doesn’t seem to have
many close friends. There’s the occasional manager or
hairdresser she chats with while she’s on tour, but with the
exception of the intellectual giant that is Federline, she really
has nobody to talk to.
All in all, the weirdest part of the show is that I
couldn’t really find much narrative direction. The only theme
that gets repeated, mostly by Britney herself, is her desperate
urge to be seen as “normal.”
In one scene, she confesses that behind everything, she has the
same likes and interests as everyone else, and that she’s
really just your average girl.
I’m sorry, Brit, but you’re not normal.
You’re a cover girl, an international sex symbol and a
global icon, and that’s not a bad thing.
So instead of wasting all your time driving yourself insane
trying to be normal, just embrace the fact that your life is just
that ““ crazy.
If we’ve learned anything from stars like Michael Jackson,
it’s that you can be as out of touch with reality as you
want, and you’re still going to be rich, famous and endlessly
adored by your fans.
Unless, of course, you get drunk and start making out with your
brother.
Want to share your own chaotic moment? E-mail Scott at
jscott@media.ucla.edu.