He’s not the target demographic.
Sudden conversions to vegetarianism are usually the domain of
middle-school girls, and since your roommate is a college guy with
more of an emotional attachment to deep-fried chicken wings than to
actual chickens, you really didn’t see this one coming.
Which is why, when your roommate comes in begging for a
vegetarian recipe that still tastes meaty, you’ve got to know
why it’s even an issue for him.
He reddens and preoccupies himself with a hangnail.
“It’s not important,” he mumbles. “Just
““ seriously. Something like meat. Please.”
This might still be an elaborate prank, so don’t give in
until he promises to pay for all his vegetarian groceries and drive
to the supermarket whenever you want.
Vegetarian shepherd’s pie seems like a good idea for
today. You’re not sure how meat-free it’ll taste, but
no vegetarian recipe was created with your roommate in mind anyway.
Send him out for some ingredients while you mull over this
mysterious change.
Half an hour later, you’ll both be chopping vegetables:
one cup of carrots, a large onion, half a cup of celery and an
eight-ounce package of mushrooms.
Why is he so calm about interacting with real vegetables?
Your inquiries uncover nothing: He isn’t afraid of mad cow
disease, and it’s not about a girl. Nor did he get it into
his head that he has some kind of made-up malady like reverse
anemia, which might preclude a person from any food containing
iron.
Saute the chopped vegetables in your biggest saucepan or frying
pan (at least 10 inches in diameter) over medium heat until they
soften, which should take about 20 minutes.
Don’t add the sliced mushrooms to the pan until the
carrots are halfway cooked, or they’ll shrivel and
blacken.
When the carrots can easily be speared with a fork, tell your
roommate to crumble an entire package of veggie burgers into the
pan. Not the kind that are heavy on the vegetables, but the type
made mostly of soy protein in the hopes of tricking eaters into
thinking it’s hamburger meat.
“Actually, I bought some ground soy protein from Trader
Joe’s instead,” says your roommate peaceably.
“Will it be all right?”
That’s so weird. It’s a great substitution. Has he
joined a cult? Been hypnotized? Discovered a genuine compassion for
living creatures?
OK, now you’re the one thinking crazy. Add a cup of
vegetarian gravy to the saucepan.
Your roommate got powdered gravy for under a dollar at Whole
Foods, but if you can’t find meat-free gravy, you can use
vegetable broth, or even plain water.
Let everything simmer over low heat for about half an hour,
stirring occasionally, until most of the liquid evaporates.
Make instant mashed potatoes according to the instructions on
the box.
Maybe somebody dared your roommate to do all this, or got him to
agree to the challenge without even being entirely sure of what
vegetarianism is.
Or maybe he lost a bet. Lots of people have valid reasons to go
veggie, but him? Couldn’t be.
“How can this be pie, anyway?” your roommate
wonders. “It looks more like shepherd’s
glop.”
Explain that, er, you’re not exactly certain. You’re
not sure of a lot of things today. But maybe if you make some sort
of a crust with the potatoes …
“That’s not a real pie,” he says.
Well, he’s not a real shepherd, you counter.
Smooth a third of the potatoes onto the bottom of an eight-inch
square baking dish. Pour the contents of the pan over the potato
layer and pile the rest of the potatoes on top. Throw a few
handfuls of grated cheese over the concoction and melt it in the
oven before serving.
Your roommate tells you that the dish is very good, maybe even
better than real meat. This has gone on long enough ““ you
demand to know what’s going on. It’s starting to freak
you out.
“Well,” he admits, “it’s kind of a
discipline thing.”
And?
“And the year’s ending, and I know I was starting to
annoy you. I wanted to keep you as a roommate. Show you that I
could pick something and stick to it. Maybe you’d want to
share an apartment again next year.”
You’ll never understand the way he thinks. If he wanted to
make a gesture, he should have just cleaned the living room.
Reassure him that no such self-sacrifice is necessary. This year
was … interesting, and it’s easier to just renew your lease
than find another apartment.
He’s relieved, but still glad he learned how to make
vegetarian shepherd’s pie: It probably goes really well with
steak.
This column is based upon a recipe submitted by Samantha
Gowen. E-mail a recipe to Raab at lraab@media.ucla.edu.