The other day I was enjoying a fish burrito at our campus
Rubio’s (wait … is it Rubio’s or Baja Fresh? Or La
Salsa? I can never remember) in Ackerman Union when all of a sudden
my ears were assaulted by a cacophonous racket that all 200
televisions thoughtfully identified as a musical group called
“My Chemical Romance.”
After suffering through their song (which lasted almost two
whole minutes), MTVU (the U stands for University) cut to a scene
involving a “reporter” interviewing a student from some
remote place like Kansas or Alabama about the new album by someone
called “50 Cent” (who, incidentally, is having a bitter
feud with someone called “The Game,” presumably over
who has the most ridiculous name).
Thankfully, the segment ended soon after, and I was relieved to
see a news broadcast starting. But my relief turned to outright
amusement and laughter when I saw that the news anchors were named,
respectively, “La La” and “Sway.”
Unfortunately, I quickly realized that this news report was not
a comedy sketch by actors on “Saturday Night Live,” and
those were the real names of the anchors.
Ladies and gentleman, I experienced MTV.
And we as students experience MTV every day, don’t we?
It’s on nearly every TV in Ackerman and the Wooden Center,
and it’s on quite frequently in your dorms and apartments,
isn’t it?
Amazingly, many of MTV’s shows become not only hits, but
cultural icons. Jessica Simpson’s faux pas involving buffalo
wings (which for you impressionable viewers was obviously scripted)
has become the focus of a Pizza Hut commercial, and Ashton
Kutcher’s fame after “Punk’d” has led him
to star in approximately 18 movies this year.
Now, I’m a big fan of music. I love music. I listen to
music on my iPod (which I got before everyone else made them
trendy), and I play music on my guitar. And most people like music
a lot. So it makes sense that a television channel devoted (in
theory) to music would be a great idea, right?
Well, the dilemma lies in the fact that MTV has abused its
position of power over impressionable young viewers to the point
where, yes, even college students do what MTV tells them to do.
The vast majority of young people wear what MTV tells them to
wear, watch what MTV tells them to watch, and listen to what MTV
plays.
Now, this in itself is not inherently wrong because it is
certainly natural for generations to define themselves according to
reasonable societal norms that they share.
But like the problem created by Clear Channel owning most of the
radio stations, MTV has a monopoly on our popular culture ““
which means it will be formulaic, mass-produced and artistically
inadequate.
Young people today get everything from fashion tips to
relationship advice, and even the news, from La La and Sway (it
could be worse ““ they could be getting their news from Fox
News).
Therefore I blame MTV for everything wrong with our popular
culture today. It was MTV, fellow students, that introduced us to
the uninteresting and tacky drivel we now know as “reality
TV.”
“The Real World” has had absolutely nothing to do
with the real world for over a decade now, yet from it has spawned
such wretched garbage as “The Bachelorette,”
“Fear Factor,” “Temptation Island,”
“Joe Millionaire,” “The Bachelorette Sues the
Bachelor,” “Desperate Housewives Visit Temptation
Island” and “The Simple Life.”
Now follow me closely here. From “The Simple Life”
we were introduced to Paris Hilton. From Paris Hilton we were
introduced to tiny dogs in purses.
This is why I blame MTV for UCLA students carrying around tiny
dogs in their purses. We Bruins are supposed to be among the
nation’s brightest, most focused and dedicated students, but
now all that’s been wiped away by miniature Chihuahuas with
pink sweaters and rhinestone collars.
What on earth is wrong with you people? Don’t you know how
ridiculous you look with those mutant bug-eyed rodents yapping away
inside your purses?
No, of course you don’t, because MTV says tiny dogs are
cool and trendy and hip.
Apparently we have a serious problem. So what shall we do?
I know many of you have random college activism running through
your veins, and the last thing you want to do is support some
greedy corporation trying to influence how you think.
This is why I am proposing the following ways that you as a
Concerned Student can expose yourself to alternate forms of
entertainment:
1. Watch a half-hour of a show on PBS.
2. Read a book (“The Da Vinci Code” doesn’t
count).
3. Listen to a band that recorded songs before 2002 (or if
you’re really daring, before 1979).
These are just a few things we can do to save the environment
and make the world a better place. And I realize that I’ve
used a lot of parentheses, and for that I’m sorry (not
really).
Have a great summer, kids. You’ve been PUNK’D.
If you have a small dog and you want it to bite
Kaney’s ankles, e-mail him at akaney@media.ucla.edu.