How is it possible that you haven’t found subletters yet?
Aren’t you going home next week?
To be fair, you’ve spent the past month trying to get the
word out. You’ve told all your friends, sent tons of mass
e-mails, posted notices on the college housing Web site and
Craigslist, and papered the campus with fliers.
Maybe you got a few responses early on, but at the time, it
seemed right to delete them. One was from a wannabe stage mom who
just needed your apartment for a few weeks so her kids could take
Hollywood by storm. (Her husband wasn’t planning to come
along, but you shouldn’t worry ““ she insists
they’re very, very, extremely happily married.) Another was
from a supposed NASCAR intern who said he “cant pay ful prise
but (is) reely intristid!!!!”
But this morning you realized it’s nearing the end of 10th
week. If you don’t sublet to anyone at all, you’ll wind
up shelling out a couple thousand dollars just so the apartment can
sit unoccupied for three months.
It’s not like your roommate helped much, either. He just
said that if nobody responded to your ads by the end of finals,
he’d spend his summer earning money by showing tourists the
Madonna-shaped mildew stain that miraculously appeared in his
shower.
So when you get a call from a few UCLA girls who seem unlikely
to skip out on the rent or steal all your furniture, you jump at
the chance to have them bail you out of premature poverty. They
want to see your place that very night? Perfect.
Clean up the odds and ends in your room and wipe down the
kitchen counters. Everything’s looking good: The coffee
table’s clear, the dishes are put away, and your closet is
clean. The subletters are going to love the ““ holy mother of
mildew, what is that smell?
Oh, yeah. There’s another half to your apartment. And your
roommate lives there, along with more freeloading micro-organisms
than you care to think about.
Before anyone moves in, he’ll have to clean it out for
real. But for now, you both have got to do something to cover up
the stink.
They’ll be here within half an hour; there’s no time
to buy that spray that makes things smell like lemon-fresh mountain
streams. You don’t have scented candles, either, and smearing
apricot body lotion all over the walls seems kind of …
stupid.
You do have some bread, though. If you heat it in the oven, will
a very long, two-inch-thick baguette create enough of a delicious
baking-bread smell to drown out eau de roommate?
Probably not.
“Put some garlic on the bread,” urges your
roommate.
Right, because nothing says “you’ve got to rent this
place” like that pungent aroma. It’s better than the
current stench, but does he really think garlic is an attractive
odor?
“No, I’m just hungry,” he says. “And if
the apartment smells like garlic, at least it’ll filter out
the undead. C’mon, vampires make horrible tenants. Use common
sense.”
There’s no time for a better plan. Preheat your oven to
375 degrees. Get your roommate to pick his laundry off the floor
while you mince a teaspoon of garlic ““ about two cloves.
Have him vacuum his floor while you nuke a stick of butter for
20 seconds and mix the garlic into it.
While you stir a teaspoon of parsley (you can substitute half of
the parsley with basil or oregano) and a third of a cup of grated
Parmesan cheese into the butter, tell your roommate that ““
potential tourist attraction or not ““ it’s beyond time
for him to tackle his bathroom.
Hack the baguette into one-inch slices without cutting it all
the way through. Smear about an eighth of an inch of garlic butter
between each slice. Ignore your roommate’s protests; he can
take some photos of it now, but all the soap scum had better be
gone by the time those girls get there.
Wrap the baguette in aluminum foil, leaving the top open for
ventilation, throw it into the preheated oven, and let the garlic
bread odor permeate the apartment.
Ten to 15 minutes later, your garlic bread should emerge from
the oven, your roommate should emerge from his freshly scrubbed
bathroom, and your doorbell should ring.
The subletters are there.
Good luck.
Should the food column come back next year? Weigh in at
lraab@media.ucla.edu. The garlic bread recipe was submitted by
Daily Bruin copy editor Zac Dillon.