July 4. Good time for a cold war. Now, I don’t often
advocate unjustified wars ““ it’s just that our freedoms
are slipping away.
And we need Cold War II to save them.
All the grand American institutions that flourished under our
competition with the Soviets have since gone the way of the Bay of
Pigs.
I, for one, do not want to be a pig.
Let’s first examine the little piggies at NASA. Since the
Columbia tragedy more than two years ago, where the space shuttle
broke apart due to unnoticed damage from debris, officials at the
agency have been pushing to get another shuttle into space.
This would probably be a good idea, as the International Space
Station’s Elektron oxygen generator has been working only
occasionally since last September, and the crew has resorted to
using its limited back-up oxygen sources.
Despite dwindling food and oxygen supplies, NASA has said the
station should last until at least the end of October. But
that’s less than four months.
Meanwhile, our NASA piggies have saddled the Russians with the
responsibility of fueling the space station. Apparently, Russia
never recovered from Cold War I ““ which may be why it can
handle our astronomic problems.
While currently President George W. Bush is not entirely
friendly (in budgetary terms) with NASA, I expect Cold War II could
change that and bring some much-needed vigor to our space
program.
Just as Cold War I, with its healthy competition and threat of a
nuclear world war, provided the impetus to spur American industry
and government institutions into the world power we are today, Cold
War II could put the spark back in American pride ““ just in
time for next Fourth of July.
If we can get our relations with some country to go cold by
winter, we’d be in intense competition (backed by impending
doom, of course) in a couple months.
This would force the piggies in government to clean up and crack
down, industry would receive a boon, Americans could once again be
proud to be Americans, and Ford might actually make a profit.
The key is competition. It brings out the best in people and
pigs alike, creating an artificial sort of masculine drive to be
the best at something or fly the highest or teach the most.
And we are today in desperate need of improvement in flying and
teaching and being the best. Cold War II would, of course, bolster
everything we hold dear as Americans.
Our school systems, relatively defunct since Cold War I, would
finally get the attention they need. California public schools are
of course some of the worst in the nation, and it’s
depressing that a 10th-grade education here seems to be roughly
equivalent to elementary school in any other country.
Cold War II would force us to revamp our school systems, fund
them at a reasonable level, and do away with archaic DPRs and
bureaucratic waste.
On a related note, our government, and especially the piggies at
the troubled CIA and FBI, would have to shape up immediately. After
all, you can’t expect to run a war for 50 years without
someone winning unless you have first-rate espionage.
And of course we’ll have to compete with our antagonist
country in many pursuits seemingly unrelated to the peaceful war.
Aeronautics and space research at NASA, for one. Or devastating new
weapons, for another (and this military technology will of course
soon be adapted to civilian purposes).
Sure, there may be some difficulties in engineering a war
without any fighting or killing ““ Republicans getting
confused, volatile weapons lying around, and figuring out which
country to hate.
But we just have to be careful not to put Cold War II in the
microwave, or we’ll end up nuking ourselves in no time.
And as for our choice of worthy adversary, I don’t much
know or care ““ that’s not the point, after all ““
so I’ll leave that up to Bush and Chinese President Hu
Jintao.
Now, I don’t really know whether Cold War II is really the
best way to fix our schools or fund NASA, but the fact remains that
these institutions ““ the symbols of American freedom and
prosperity ““ really need some help.
As Americans we may be pigs, but I’d be much happier if
pigs could fly.
E-mail Schenck at jschenck@media.ucla.edu if you have a need
for enriched uranium.