All UCLA students should receive a well-rounded education with
which to properly carry out parlor room conversations. Your
education should not only help you out at tedious functions, but
should provide you with the means to appear as if you know
everything to those who know no better ““ like children.
A university education should technically provide you with the
knowledge to one day honestly answer your own children when they
come home from school and ask you what a “dirty
Sanchez” is.
We all remember those embarrassing moments in elementary and
junior high school when we didn’t know what such-and-such
meant. And we remember the blood rushing to our cheeks as everyone
giggled and wouldn’t tell.
They probably didn’t know either, but wouldn’t it
have been great if we could have shut them all up by being masters
of sexual lingo at age five?
You would have been the king of the monkey bars, you would have
gotten all the action (trust me, the popular ones got action in
kindergarten), you would have made the right friends and have been
part of the popular crowd for the rest of your mandatory school
years.
But since we can’t live those wonder years over again, we
have to live them vicariously through our offspring by providing
them with the knowledge we lacked to make it big on the
playground.
It is our duty to educate our children so that they won’t
look like the fools we were. We are their only hope.
But, sad as it is, even many college students lack the knowledge
that is key to everlasting popularity. So I have taken it upon
myself to be your educator. If you’re one of those people who
grew up sheltered or was too afraid to ask, here is a list of the
10 terms I consider essential.
1. Dirty Sanchez: The act of sticking your finger up your
partner’s behind and drawing a nasty-smelling mustache across
their face. There has even been an upgrade to the dirty Sanchez,
where you draw the mustache with a penis or dildo following anal
penetration.
2. Deep throat: You probably think you all know what this means,
but I know a few college kids who got it wrong. So just so you
don’t embarrass yourself by misinforming your kids, deep
throating is when the person performing a blow job allows the penis
to slide back into their throat, occasionally causing gagging.
Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it? I encourage you to enlighten
yourself further through the movie of the same name.
3. Teabagging: When you, being a possessor of balls, lower them
into someone else’s mouth.
4. Dutch oven: This will earn you eternal love. Fart softly,
then shove your partner under the covers and hold them there to let
them bake.
5. Queef: A vaginal fart. Air comes out of your vagina and makes
a pleasant sound. Music to my ears.
6. Princeton rub: Plain and simple, this means dry sex. You
probably participated in this in some way in high school or junior
high. Vertically it can be called “grinding” or
“freaking,” and horizontally it’s called dry
humping (the rubbing together of two bodies until orgasm without
penetration).
7. Titanic: Someone who performs oral sex on the first date. Get
it?
8. Rainbow kiss: Performing oral sex on a woman while
she’s on her period. Yum.
9. Tossed salad: The eating out of the behind.
10. Titty (fill in the blank)”“ing: This is for those of
you who think cleavage is amazingly hot and resembles a vaginal
crevasse. Basically, the boobs are squeezed together and provide
the hole.
These 10 phrases are only a brief dabble into the wide world of
sexual vocabulary. I encourage you to learn more about the vast
variety of sexual acts.
But I do warn you: It may be shocking. There is no limit to the
human imagination. But it’s also encouraging to know
you’re not alone in your sexual fantasies. It’s pretty
much a sure bet that no matter how far-fetched your fantasies are,
someone else has had them before.
It gives one a sense of kinship with those who share our sexual
desires ““ almost.
If you are completely unique in your sexual wishes, e-mail
Lara at lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu.