Something I never really got involved with in high school was
clubs. I didn’t take part in many, as I was more interested
in stuffing my face with Mini Oreos and gawking at pretty girls at
lunch. The lone exception was The Beatles Club, which was
particularly amusing because I didn’t really listen to The
Beatles.
By itself, the club wasn’t interesting. Kids talked about
The Beatles and how great they were. However, this changed when Mr.
Smith, the adviser, issued me a challenge.
He dared me to bring music from my favorite bands to do battle
with the hardened critics of the club. We would each play four
songs during lunch, and the club members would vote on which they
preferred, The Beatles’ song or a competitor’s. The
catch was that the club could play songs just once, so it
couldn’t pull out “Eleanor Rigby” whenever it
felt threatened.
Now, I never expected to prevail, because asking Beatles fans to
vote against them is like asking Dodger fans to cheer for Barry
Bonds. What shocked me, though, was the extent of their
fanaticism.
I presented three bands: Led Zeppelin, Radiohead and Guns
N’ Roses. Each time I was defeated soundly. But it
wasn’t like the club was annihilating “Paranoid
Android” with “Hey Jude.” Some members openly
admitted saving better songs for later and playing more obscure
songs, which they considered inferior but still better than
mine.
For them, The Beatles were unbeatable. That’s legit. The
Beatles are one of the most influential bands of all time and their
fingerprints are all over numerous genres and styles. I have no
problem acknowledging this because it’s as close to fact as
you can get. Now, I never properly listened to the Beatles until
high school, but after listening I found myself ashamedly asking:
“That’s it?”
Of course, you can dislike bands. You can hate Led Zeppelin for
self-important guitar solos. You can say Nirvana was a so-so band
that is only revered because Kurt Cobain died. You can even say the
Rolling Stones haven’t been good for years, and people only
watch them to see if they will keel over on stage. If you express
these opinions, people either won’t care or will respectfully
disagree. If you voice a similar opinion about The Beatles,
you’d better enter the Witness Protection Program.
You’ll never meet someone who openly dislikes The Beatles.
They might think it, but they’ll never admit it. Even if you
put a gun to someone’s head, they will not diss the band, or
even Pete Best for that matter. (Maybe Ringo, though). A person who
doesn’t like The Beatles is like a bad Seinfeld date: a
punchline on the level of “Man Hands.” I can hear Jerry
lamenting to Elaine about a girlfriend, “But she haaaaaaates
The Beatles!”
This is why I asked, “That’s it?” after
listening to The Beatles in 11th grade. For me, the music can never
live up to the praise. While I admire the breathtaking simplicity
of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and am astounded by The
Beatles’ five-year evolutionary arc from pop stars to King
Crimson, the basic fact is this: I can’t enjoy The Beatles
for the simple reason that I am expected to like them. The Beatles
are the one band where, upon hearing any of their music I
haven’t heard before, I know how to feel before even hitting
play ““ what I’m about to listen to is excellent, and
I’m just going to have to deal with that. I’m supposed
to like it, or be labeled a musical philistine. For me, this stigma
against not loving their music paradoxically makes it difficult to
enjoy it. When it comes down to it, I have a hard time enjoying
something that is so hallowed. It’s like reading the Bible
for pleasure.
Ultimately, it’s insane that, in a medium where dissenting
opinions are so vital for opening new frontiers, having any
dissenting opinion about the most hallowed band in history
automatically means you know jack about music. Not liking The
Beatles is one of society’s biggest taboos, right up there
with incest and bestiality.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my sister and I have a hot date
at the petting zoo.
If you think “Seinfeld” is The Beatles of
television, e-mail Humphrey at mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu.