Eli Karon ekaron@media.ucla.edu
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The world of horse racing has hit a new low. Just when you
thought it couldn’t get any worse, they had to go and do
something like this. And it’s coming soon. That’s right
folks, June 15 is Bob Baffert Bobble Head Doll Day.
I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is Bob Baffert?
And what’s so bad about making a bobble head doll resembling
him? After all, a bobble head doll bearing your resemblance is
every athlete’s dream, something that competitors hope to
accomplish from the time they play T-ball.
The problem is, Baffert is not an athlete. He doesn’t even
coach athletes. Instead, he works with some of the dumbest animals
in the world. Baffert, dubbed “Dr. Derby” by the press,
trained this year’s Kentucky Derby winner, along with two
past Derby winners.
The main problem I have with the whole bobble head doll thing is
this: Baffert didn’t do anything!!! He sat in the stands and
prayed while a beast with a silly name ran in a circle with a
midget clinging to its back. And Baffert gets all the credit? What
is the world coming to?
My disappointment with the system was instigated by my recent
visit to L.A.’s very own Churchill Downs ““ Hollywood
Park. Yes, I’m serious. Churchill Downs Inc. purchased the
center in 1999. The park is located south of UCLA on the
treacherous 405. I attended the races on April 28, the same day my
mom was in town to visit. And what better way to impress your
mother than to show her that gambling, drinking and screaming at
midgets is all you’ve really learned in college?
The racetrack itself is beautiful, with both a dirt track and a
grass track surrounding magnificent lakes filled with exotic
flamingos. The lakes seem to be almost surreal, with horses
galloping around it and thousands of fans watching attentively to
see whether or not it’s Denny’s or Lawry’s for
dinner.
By far, the best part of this “sport” is the
gambling. If you do your research, you can make some significant
cash. When I went up to the betting window, I had no clue what to
do. The lady working the betting booth suggested I obtain a program
explaining the various bets and giving brief descriptions of the
different horses’ strengths and weaknesses.
Watching the races take place, one thought kept crossing my
mind: no wonder the expression about urinating and racehorses
exists. If you were forced to run around a track while constantly
being whipped, you would want to pee, too.
I will say this: these animals can flat out run. It was actually
pretty exciting. In fact, they make NASCAR look boring. Well, I
guess that’s not too hard to do, but you get my drift.
The only way not to get excited about this sport is if you
don’t bet on a horse. To make things extra-exciting, I
recommend betting on an underdog. You can also bet on an underdog
if you hate money. The betting process is easy and quick, and you
only have to be 18 years of age to participate ““ sort of like
sex.
The races last all of two minutes, but those two minutes
transform a place like Hollywood Park from a serene Sunday brunch
with the family to crazed fans screaming at their horse to win or
else. It’s the “or else” that was particularly
entertaining. One overweight man inspired his horse by screaming at
the top of his lungs: “Have you ever seen Godfather?”
Another lady offered to make one losing horse into dog food for her
German Shepherd.
Screaming at a horse who can’t hear one thing you are
saying makes about as much sense as using a lampshade as a
doorknob. But everybody does it. The races are a perfect way to let
out some aggression, leaving you exhilarated when you win and
dejected when you lose. As an added bonus, your betting receipt can
be made into confetti and rained down upon those below you if you
lose.
We’re talking about some intense stuff here. If you know
nothing about horse racing and want to experience the thrill of
risking your hard-earned dollars on Mr. Ed, go to Hollywood Park.
Chances are you’ll lose, but you never know. One strategy
that does not work (I know from experience) is betting on the horse
with the coolest name.
If you go anytime soon, keep in mind the following facts: every
Friday night from May 10 – July19, Hollywood Park offers what
should be called “college night” ““ $1 beers, hot
dogs and soft drinks. Besides fishing, what more is there?
The beauty of Hollywood Park lies in its simplicity. If you get
sick of making confetti out of your betting receipts, you can head
to the casino, where you can lose more money at the blackjack and
craps tables. I wouldn’t say I’m bitter, but I
won’t exactly be paying tuition for the next few years,
either. It was a largely unsuccessful day financially but a hugely
successful day in terms of fun.