This past weekend, with our football, men’s water polo and
women’s soccer teams playing in the Bay Area, I was reminded
of the bitter rivalry that exists within UCLA. As a Cal and Oakland
A’s fan from Berkeley who now attends UCLA, there have been
more than a few moments of conflicting loyalties.
When Cal came down to play UCLA, it was one of the worst days of
my life. With my childhood and my school going full speed against
each other, there was bound to be a crash.
Sadly, that crash happened on the 405 freeway on the way to the
Rose Bowl. I had to watch the game inside my room as my inner
demons battled outside. Just before the game, I decided that if I
was rooting for anyone, it would be UCLA.
Still, I have gotten into arguments with more than a few
Southern California Bruin fans about sports, and I’ve seen
what the domestic dispute has done to Joe and Josie Bruin. It hurts
them. It makes them sad. With all that in mind, here is the
official peace treaty for Northern and Southern California sports
fans.
First, “hella” will be permanently accepted into the
vernacular. E.g., “That catch was hella tight. I hella wanna
see it on it replay.” There will be training sessions to
avoid rookie mistakes such as, “Ah, what the hella
ref?!?”
In return, we are willing to share the Raiders. You can have
them for the first half of the season and we’ll take them
back midway once Kerry Collins and Randy Moss start fighting with
each other. I realize that this might not be a fair trade-off, so
we’ll try saying “chill” to even it out.
As far as the Lakers are concerned, we agree to stop hating on
them for letting Shaq go and keeping Kobe. We will also take all of
the Kobe trial jokes that we’ve been cultivating and let them
die. We’ll cut you a break there.
San Diego will once and for all be recognized as a city with
legitimate sports teams and will get better media coverage.
Oakland Raider fans will be required to attend manners and
etiquette classes. The classes will run on concurrent Saturdays for
the month before football season. Attendance is mandatory.
The Angels will at least admit that they know “The Los
Angeles of Anaheim” literally translates to “The The
Angels Angels of Anaheim.” That’s all we want. They
don’t even have to change it if they’re married to the
name.
In return, we will give the Angels their due. I know A’s
fans come down and talk a lot of trash at Angel games. But manager
Mike Scioscia deserves his props. His team has won the World Series
in the last five years and we haven’t. It hurts to say, but
the Angels have deserved the AL west crown the last two years.
And if you can keep a secret, there is a long list of illegal
activities I would engage in if the A’s could steal Vladimir
Guerrero. If he weren’t playing for another team in my
division, he would be my favorite player in baseball.
The Bay Area is willing to admit Southern California’s
stadium prowess. With the Staples Center, Rose Bowl, Dodger Stadium
and L.A. Coliseum, Southern California takes the cake.
Cal’s Memorial Stadium is a classic place to watch a game,
but it just doesn’t match up. And even though I grew up at
the A’s Oakland Coliseum and I love it like you love your
first old beat-up car you drove when you got your license, I have
to admit: Point for Southern California.
I can already hear the rebuttal. “Look around, kid.
You’re in L.A. If the Bay Area is so great, why are you here?
This is our place; stop complaining.”
My response is simple: Drew Olson and Maurice Drew are from the
Bay Area. Bruin football just doesn’t work without the
Piedmont quarterback and the tailback from Antioch. You need us
down here, so don’t go there.
There are a list of names that will never be said again. The Bay
Area asks for Kirk Gibson and Jason Giambi. Southern California
gets to erase Ryan Leaf and Rex Hudler. Al Davis and Terrence Long
are mutual selections. Long sucked in Northern California first. We
understand. He will not be allowed back in the state, along with
Davis.
Northern California will officially take responsibility for
“The Wave.” It originally started at the Oakland
Coliseum in the ’70s. We accept the blame. We’re
sorry.
Once unified, we Bruins can pool all our mutual energies into
one chant of, “take off that red shirt.” Aside from the
Stanford fans, whose existence we must apologize for, we can all
agree on that one. When I first came down to school, that familiar
cheer (now meant for USC instead of Stanford) told me that I was
going to be OK in Westwood. This past weekend, all my loyalties
came together beautifully as I sat with 20 fellow Bruins screaming
and trying any superstition we could think of as we came back to
beat Stanford.
Similarly, we can all agree on USC. Last year, I sat in the Cal
student section when the Bears played at ‘SC and almost took
them down in the final minutes. I was proudly wearing a Cal jersey
and a UCLA hat. It may have been a little antagonistic to my
surroundings, but this is an opportunity for us to cheer
together.
In order to make this work, a lot of attitude changes need to be
made. The only other option would be for Central California to step
it up in order to keep the state from splitting into two, which
seems unlikely. I know we seem like a strange bunch here in
Westwood, and I know how wrong it feels to see Angel T-shirts
around campus, but the divorce would be a pretty harsh experience
on us all. Let’s stick together. For the kids.
E-mail Gordon at
bgordon@media.ucla.edu if you have any amendments to the new
constitution.