Daniel Miller dmiller@media.ucla.edu
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I just invented a new sport. It’s called
“danielball.” This sport requires athletes to stack 24
navel oranges in a pyramid, and then run two miles barefoot. The
catch is, opponents may throw their citrus orbs at others’
pyramids and knock over the structures, thus creating a world of
strategies to choose from.
Up to 63 athletes may compete at once in what is essentially a
race, and a judge must be present to determine whether each
competitor’s pyramid is of proper structure. Whoever finishes
first wins the exciting round of danielball, while the last
finisher must eat 12 of his oranges, peel and all.
Does this sport sound absurd? Do you question its validity?
When bridge ““ a glorified card game that my grandparents
say they are too cool to play ““ is likely to be made an
Olympic sport after years of lobbying by the World Bridge
Federation, danielball does not seem too far-fetched. In fact,
danielball even complies with the basic conception of what a sport
should be, making one wonder: what ridiculous event will actually
become a sport next?
A proper sport is physical and demands mental strategy that
requires one to outperform his opponent in order to attain victory.
When no strategy is involved in something and other
competitors’ actions do not directly affect one’s own
actions, the event at hand is simply a game.
Many people with a cursory knowledge of athletics will venture
to say that something is a sport if it is “hard,” or
requires a person to exert himself competitively. Multiple variable
calculus is hard ““ and it is not a sport.
It is rather difficult to quantify whether something is a sport
or not, so with the hopes of educating the populous, this column
will determine whether several “sports” actually make
the grade.
Bowling, a game I love dearly, is that and nothing more ““
a game. Sure, bowling requires concentration, but it’s not as
if there is a mental component to the game. Let me demonstrate: if
my opponent bowls a seven on his first frame, I do not think to
myself, “Oh man, I only need to bowl an eight to take the
lead, so I will strategically hit eight pins, thus conserving my
energy while taking the lead.”
Instead, I try my best to bowl a strike every frame ““ I do
not adjust my game based on my opponent’s play. While bowling
certainly is a physical game (I strained my right quadriceps
recently at Hollywood Star Lanes) it requires no mental keenness in
order to be successful.
Running may or may not be a sport. This pastime has been the
subject of much discussion in the sports cubicle of the Daily Bruin
office. It seems that most writers in the section feel that running
is a sport because it combines physical exertion and has a mental
aspect that is one of the sport’s key elements.
However, sophomore columnist Greg Schain begs to differ. Schain
will not relent on his position that running is not a sport because
it is purely a physical activity, but he is also not a member of
the UCLA men’s track team. He does not know what it’s
like to run the 1,500-meter race and have to decide when to begin
his charge toward the head of the pack while receiving the
occasional elbow to the abdomen from an opponent. Yet, Schain could
easily argue that shorter races like the 100-meter dash simply
require that athletes run their guts out and need not come to the
starting block with mental acuity in order to attain victory.
Personally, I feel that running is a sport because, for the most
part, it does have a mental aspect to it. Also, I would prefer to
leave angry members of the UCLA track team to Schain.
The biathlon is a sport by definition ““ this Olympic event
does require strategy and physical prowess as athletes ski a
12.5-mile course with rifles strapped to their backs only to
abruptly stop at four points to fire five shots at small targets
positioned far away. Biathlon athletes exert themselves while
skiing and must quickly relax themselves so that they can
accurately fire their rifles. Sure, it’s an Olympic sport (it
will eventually be joined by bridge, golf, rugby, squash, and
karate ““ all events recognized as sports, but not admitted to
the Olympic games); yet, its premise is so arbitrary and illogical
that to call it a sport is an insult to things like baseball,
basketball and badminton.
While I must admit that the biathlon technically qualifies as a
sport, I’m not too happy about that fact. This idiotic and
ridiculous sport makes danielball look mundane and rational. In
other words, if danielball requires strategy, then the biathlon
requires “strategery.”