I was at a bar with three of my girlfriends this past weekend,
and, as often happens when we’re out together, we met some
interesting characters.
One of our acquaintances was being especially cryptic when we
asked what he does for a living. After five minutes of ambiguous
answers, the only thing we knew about this mysterious fellow was
that he was taking a fighting class to teach him how to fight
people unarmed and in tight quarters.
He would not tell us what line of work he was in or where this
fighting system would be necessary. So, after much questioning, we
speculated that he was most likely a wannabe bodyguard. Obviously
he just wasn’t good enough to be hired as a bodyguard without
first taking a course that appears to be preparation for a pretty
shady lifestyle.
In the middle of this conversation reminiscent of a bad game of
20 questions (that our fighting buddy interpreted as flirting), he
obviously tired of us trying to get him to talk.
“Why do you girls need to know so much? I’m a nice
guy. Why can’t we just have fun?” he said, sounding
exasperated at the entire female gender and not just the four of
us.
So I retorted: “We all have boyfriends, so we’re not
looking for anything anyway.”
This “off-the-market” declaration got him to throw
up his arms in disgust and leave immediately, only to return 10
minutes later to flip off my friend and tell her it was a low blow
to talk to him and not tell him she has a boyfriend. He says she
wasted his time.
When you’re a wannabe bodyguard, five minutes is pretty
damn precious.
Her crime?
She spoke to a boy for a mere five minutes who walked over to
her ““ and she happened to have a boyfriend. He didn’t
buy her a drink. She didn’t even act flirtatious. She just
innocently chatted with someone.
While strangers who approach strangers in bars are generally
interested in more than conversing, either party should not be
required to state its relationship status immediately after
exchanging names. And individuals who are part of a couple need not
be anti-social and avoid all interpersonal contact just because
they could delude others into thinking they’re available.
But where is the line drawn?
The offer to buy a drink, the exchange of phone numbers, or
displays of flirtatious affection are most definitely times when
any significant others should be brought up. And of course it can
be done sooner with a casual reference, but there’s no reason
to assume that any person who will talk to you is automatically
single.
When offered prematurely, this casual reference to your
significant other can even give the other person the wrong idea and
create unnecessary awkwardness. For example, saying you can’t
give out your phone number because you have a boyfriend or
girlfriend is fitting when the solicitor is obviously flirting but
can be quite presumptuous when you can’t determine the other
person’s intentions.
Assuming people are interested in romantic pursuit when in
reality they just want to be friends can hurt their feelings or
make you sound like an egomaniac. Because, really, those interested
in seeing you again must have feelings for you, right? Well, not
always.
These are the cases where we tend to get into trouble ““
the study partners, co-workers, floor mates and friends of mutual
friends who may or may not want something more are hard to
gauge.
Though each situation has different implications and
intonations, watch out for clues if you haven’t stated your
status, and try to do it in a casual way. Try not to drop the bomb
too early or too late, but, no matter what you think is the right
time and situation, you and the ambiguous other may have different
scales of measurement.
All you can do is eyeball it and exercise freedom of information
actions in your personal life.
After all, it’s not against the law to make new friends or
meet new people when you’re in a relationship. The problem is
that not everyone has figured that out yet.
Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu if you want to be friends. Send general
comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.