You never saw it coming. No matter how long the relationship
““ two months or two years ““ you never thought
you’d be dumped.
After the fact, you may wish time could be reversed so you could
do the dumping and be the one with all the power in the dissolved
relationship. But once you get to the breaking point it’s
already too late.
The length and intensity of your grieving period will depend on
the seriousness of your fizzled relationship. The basic steps to
recovery are similar, though, as you come to terms with your new
reality and start learning how to balance your new emotional
baggage.
Perhaps you feel lost, lonely and betrayed. The dumper may feel
free and unburdened, but the dumpee has a huge crash of emotions to
sort through.
Then the challenge becomes dumping your emotions somewhere else
so you can rebuild and move on.
So first you cry, and then you scream ““ you swear it never
happened. But when you don’t wake up from what seems a
nightmare, the next step is usually anger.
This is where I caution you.
Of course you need to tell your ex how you feel when he or she
pronounces those horrible words of proposed
“friendship,” but breaking up is not “just
wanting to be friends.”
It’s wanting to not be together, not wanting to date, not
wanting to call, and not being required to do any of the above. So
calling your ex to rehash (for the fourth time) why things
didn’t work out isn’t the best course of action.
Whether you’re officially on a break or really broken up,
you both need some space before rational discussion can follow.
But after the break-up discussion, the following day or two of
sobs, and the subsequent teeter-totter emotional rollercoaster,
there are a few rules that can make your transition into singledom
that much simpler.
As much hope as it may offer, don’t live in denial.
Hanging on to the “maybe we’ll get back together”
line will kill you when it doesn’t happen. The best thing to
do is to not do anything to try to win your ex back.
Designate a friend as your phone buddy to call when you want to
call your ex but know you can’t. You can even make a friend
rotation if one pair of ears isn’t enough.
Write about it to yourself, too, but shy away from sending
inflammatory e-mails to your ex. Tone, nuance and context are often
muddled in electronic conversation ““ hell, it’s hard
enough to have civil conversations in person ““ so write all
you want, but save your thoughts somewhere far away from the send
button.
And speaking of e-mails, get those lovey-dovey ones off your
computer so you can’t decide to read them at a weak point
““ they’ll only catapult you days backward in your
recovery.
Have a friend load them all onto a CD. Or if you can muster the
willpower, delete them all.
And then there’s the audio recovery track. Don’t
depend on Sarah McLachlan or anything with a wailing country twang
to get you through the day. Sad music will only make you sadder.
Elliott Smith may seem to be a tragic figure whose music can
console you, but don’t let your ears say yes until
you’re strong enough.
Any songs that once carried significance in your union should be
cut from your library for a while. Special mixes from your ex
should be discarded, scratched and burned just for fun ““
because when else do scratched CDs bring so much satisfaction?
As for in-person interaction, be cordial with your ex, but also
appear indifferent if you can muster the lack of enthusiasm.
Don’t let the opposition see you wounded because, really,
you’re doing fine.
Don’t talk on the phone until well after you feel the urge
to do so. Give it at least a week of silence and let the ex call
first. If he or she never calls, then maybe the plea for friendship
was really bogus.
It’s OK to spend a few days crying and sitting on the
couch all night, but after that it’s time to pick yourself up
and keep on going. Go out with friends, flirt with strangers, and
announce your single status to all your hot acquaintances and
friends.
Host a party in honor of your freedom and exercise your right to
kiss whomever you want. The rebound period can be fun and
empowering, so cherish it as a rare chance to be excused from
commitment and required phone calls.
Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her instead
of your ex at lbonos@media.ucla.edu.