One of the most intensive of human physiological drives is the
sexual urge. There is definitely a purpose for such an overwhelming
drive. By satisfying the urge for sexual intercourse, we accomplish
two main goals. First, we sustain the human species and counteract
the constant, inevitable process of death and decay. Second, we
provide strong bonds by which a person gives his or her innermost
emotional being to another in the embrace of love.
In this context, the act of sex is extremely important. But
sexual intercourse has also been transformed into something
completely against what it was intended to accomplish.
No longer do we engage in the sexual act or ritual with the
purpose of cementing the lifelong bond between husband and wife or
for creating a new life from the love of two people. Instead, we
have sex as a rite of passage, as a sense of power, as a bargaining
tool, and even simply for kicks. What we desire today is all the
enjoyment of sex without the responsibility that goes along with
such an intimate act. For instance, whether a person agrees or
disagrees with abortion, it must be admitted that a key reason for
wearing condoms is to prevent possible consequences of sexual
intercourse (pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, etc.). This,
in turn, makes the act all the easier to participate in.
Paralleling this aspect is the mind frame of many people who
participate in sex. They say, “If it feels good, there must
be no harm in doing it.” Indeed, the sexual act can be
extremely exhilarating and more addictive psychologically than any
drug.
Those who have done it even once often feel the urge to
experience the feeling again, leading the person to try more
imaginative and creative ways and methods. Missing, however, is any
sense of commitment or worth attached to the act; sex becomes
merely an exciting way to pass the time, like riding on Goliath at
Six Flags, dancing, auto racing or bungee jumping from the Queen
Mary.
A columnist recently commented on the tendency of some young men
to offer weekend trips in exchange for sexual favors (“Women
not obligated to “˜put out,'” Viewpoint, April
14). In such an instance, the person is using financial and
emotional power to obtain a “prize.” Inevitably, this
cheapens the act to a barter exchange in which sex has a price
equal to what the young man wishes the woman to enjoy on the
trip.
Conversely, some women use sex to gain access to the halls of
power, whether it is to influence grades, garner promotions or stay
in the favor of power brokers. Again, the sexual act is reduced to
the level of a commodity like wheat or steel, which can be sold to
the person who offers the most benefits.
As far as marriage is concerned, few people feel the need to
wait for such a commitment to partake in one of the major
foundations of a marital relationship. Television, movies and other
forms of media rarely show married couples performing sex. Rather,
the participants are usually unmarried, in an adulterous
relationship or with multiple partners.
Admittedly, the people involved may have the fullest intentions
of being with each other “forever.” But without the
marital vow or contract, the temptation to find “greener
pastures” is too great. As a result, the media propagates the
view that marriage is an unwanted burden on those who wish to
indulge in the ultimate pleasure. Too full of responsibility and
commitment, sex in marriage seems to be boring, while extramarital
sex seems exciting and adventurous in contrast. In far too many
cases, however, the emotional costs are devastating to one, two or
all parties.
Why is there such an enormous emotional cost? Sex is the
ultimate intimate act between two people, for at its height,
“two” indeed become “one.” The woman who
allows a man inside her trusts the man to treat her with respect,
dignity, honor and affection. These attributes are what bonds a man
to a woman in marriage, which is largely why sex between husband
and wife “glues” the couple.
The woman gives of herself, her innermost desires and feelings,
to the man she shares herself with. Such a man must be of a special
quality, a person who upholds, protects, shares and loves that
woman.
Treating this act as a commodity, a bargaining chip or a
recreational pursuit cheapens the process and relegates sex to the
mundane and tawdry. Since it is the woman who is penetrated, it
hits her much harder than the man. However, in many cases, the man
suffers from exposing himself to a person who does not return the
affection (which results in a similar traumatic effect).
In addition, “safe” sex is not completely safe.
Condoms may break or slip off, birth control pills may be taken
incorrectly or the “rhythm method” may be
misjudged.
In the heat of passion, some forget to avail themselves of
corrective measures in time. For so many, what began as an ascent
to adventure ended up as a descent into a virtual
“hell,” with lives shattered, hopes broken and emotions
charred.
For a few minutes of pleasure (unbridled though it may be), a
person’s life may be changed forever. And trusting
one’s future to science or a creation of science can be
rather iffy ““ as science is never absolutely correct (it
deals with relativity and approximations).
For the person who wishes to save him or herself for a special
someone, the pressures can be enormous. For a man, the act of
abstaining opens him to ridicule from friends and others who
question his sexual orientation, mental health or maturity
(he’s still a “boy”). Although the pressures may
not be as strong for women, they still are considerable, as sex
becomes a rite of passage to womanhood or a measure of showing
“love” to someone who uses the word as a trap. Not
surprisingly, a low percentage of entering freshmen have
“held” themselves from sex, and almost no one leaves
college without experiencing it.
Am I speaking of sex as a bad thing? Not in the least … in the
right context it can be the highest and most sincere form of
intimacy known to man and woman. But in so many cases, the context
of the sexual act is contrary to its purpose, and we as a society
pay for it in both tangible and intangible costs that strain our
financial and emotional resources.
Marriage is definitely no guarantee that sex can be validated
(witness our high level of divorce). But it certainly means a lot
more when the two who pledge themselves to each other give
themselves at that special moment ““ without the baggage of
having given themselves to others for a myriad of reasons.
Is this a “Pollyanna-type” view of marriage and sex,
to save yourself for the proper person? Perhaps.
But the current picture does not look too promising. Besides,
isn’t it better to shoot for the stars than settle for the
city dump?