From an evolutionary perspective, romance has no purpose in our lives.
Romance does not ensure offspring and the passing of one’s genes, the “official” goal of sex.
But, honestly, it can’t hurt.
Since the motivation for sex has split between the desire for offspring and pleasure, the ideals of commitment have transformed as well.
Before this divide, ability to commit was a quality women solely looked for in men with reference to raising children. But now, romance can initiate satisfaction which, in turn, is a significant factor in a committed relationship.
I’ve been single for quite a while now, mostly by choice, but also because I can admit that my standards are set pretty high.
I’ve realized that this makes any complaints I may have about men are somewhat unfounded and that I must redefine the entire stigma of romance in my eyes if I’m ever to find true happiness in a relationship.
While the exceptions of unfaithfulness and downright rejection are universal in the “˜deal breaker’ category, not everyone needs an embarrassing display of flowers or overstuffed animal to make them smiles for days.
My experience with the men I’ve dated has resulted in a general understanding that the “grand romantic gesture” is difficult for them to achieve.
Surprisingly, this never bothered me.
For me, it’s the little things, the gestures that take almost no effort or planning beyond a simple thought, that matter most.
Most of my favorite memories with past relationships stem from a simple congratulatory phone call after an achievement (like taking the LSAT) or an “I’m thinking of you” text message when busy schedules have kept you apart.
Regardless of whether my relationship ended on good or bad terms, these unnecessary yet sweet displays stay with me.
The fondness comes from surprise over a phone call or text that is completely unexpected.
A gift on your birthday is usually expected, as is some rose/chocolate/pink/sparkly concoction on the horrid holiday of Valentine’s Day. I may be bitter in thinking that one day should not be devoted to love on steroids, but honestly, it’s just too much pressure.
When he leaves you a note in your glove box with no more than three written words or when she reaches across the car to unlock your door, those memories seem to stick longer.
In a society where commitment has lost some of its value with an ever-increasing divorce rate, appreciation of the little things could be a solid solution.
Anyone who thinks this means we must lower our expectations is missing the point here. It’s still possible to expect a moonlit picnic with appropriate jewelry on an anniversary while being completely satisfied and surprised with her leaving you the last cold beer in the fridge.
These intimate occurrences can really establish romance within a committed relationship.
A prime example would be meeting the friends. Being introduced to people he or she cares about makes your existence integrated into that person’s life publicly. Whether or not you’re introduced as the “˜official significant other’ isn’t even the point.
Knowing that someone values you is simply one of the best feelings in the world.
In fact, one of the times where I felt truly prized was when I was introduced to a boyfriend’s best friend and he responded with, “I’ve been so looking forward to meeting you.”
That statement was simple, to the point, and required no effort from any party. Yet it still kept me smiling.
Sharing food, as mentioned above, is another one of those easy, happy moments.
I can’t cook, nor have I ever tried to learn, so when I’m really into someone, I work with what I’ve got.
When we’re out to eat, I’ll gladly share whatever I order, leaving them the last pieces of my entree, and even suggest we order a dessert to share.
The U.S. is one of the only countries where the norm expects everyone to eat only what is on the plate in front of them. Furthermore, that plate often contains different foods from the one next to it. On the contrary, in Spain, even when multiple courses are ordered, they are done so with the intent of sharing.
A plate of scrambled eggs with chorizo becomes more than just a dish, it signifies the intimacy of those involved in the meal.
The next time I’m craving romance in a relationship, perhaps I need not look further than a plate of pancakes.
Parts of me will always remain stereotypically “girly.” A sparkling diamond will always catch my eye, and I will never tire of my lip gloss collection. But hesitate before you judge.
I would take an hour of discussing the best place to eat ice cream with the man I love over a dozen long stemmed roses and an expensive piece of jewelry any day.
Reevaluating the definition of romance? E-mail Forde at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.