Twelve Step Process to Recovery After Your Team Goes Down: When
the final buzzer sounds and the last fan leaves the building, there
are only two things left: the thrill of victory or the agony of
defeat. And maybe the smell of stale hotdogs and urine. So what do
you do when your team goes down and all your hopes and spirits are
crushed?
The first reaction is usually to go get totally hammered. While
it would seem like a perfectly legitimate response, what will you
do if your team wins? I find it much more enjoyable to associate
gettin’ sloppy with winning rather than losing. It
isn’t advisable to go around declaring jihad on your liver
after every game. That’s the way you end up looking like some
famous drunk, or really ugly person, or maybe even a famous drunk
ugly person.
So, if you’re not drowning your sorrows in a whiskey sour,
what then? Follow this simple road to recovery: your liver will
thank you.
1) The Stun ““ It usually takes a few moments for the
feelings to sink in. You sit in your chair, motionless, looking
like a comatose patient, your ridiculous foam finger sags
depressingly. Your eyes glaze over and a little bit of drool starts
to coagulate in the corner of your mouth. Hey, sounds like me in
the middle of lecture.
2) Denial ““ After a while, however, you start to snap out
of it in a very harsh way. “There’s no way UCLA just
lost to Branch West at home. No way.” Yes, yes they did. By
25, no less.
3) The Sickness ““ This may be the worst stage of all. Your
stomach goes into knots and all you can think about is whether you
should bother to get up before spewing all over yourself. Also,
this is the way I feel about the possibility of Karl Malone
becoming a Laker. Somebody hand me a bucket …
4) Blame ““ Sacramento Kings fans unite. “The refs
man, the refs. We would’ve won if it wasn’t for
them.” Surely Bill Cowher and Steeler fans also have it out
for the Zebra-striped whistler blowers. All I can say is, you need
to get past this step quickly, or you’ll end up being a
paranoid babbling fool. Kind of like Mark Cuban.
5) Guilt ““ This is one that any good fan feels. Have you
ever regretted moving away from your “good karma” spot?
Did you say “this one is in the bag” and then watch as
the enemy mounts a monster comeback? Just remember the advice that
your parents gave you before they got divorced: “It’s
not your fault, honey. It’s not.”
6) Anger ““ One of my favorite steps. Go ahead: Let it out.
Just make sure it doesn’t involve physical harm to any living
creature. Also, remember the amount of anguish you release is
directly proportional to the value of the item you destroy. My
father prefers tossing expensive lamps through expensive windows
while screaming volleys of unprintables. Good times, good times
indeed.
7) Sadness ““ The polar opposite of anger, deal with this
in the very same way. Just let it out. Go find a nice comfortable
corner somewhere and weep. What, you’re too big of a man to
cry? Well … imagine your beloved dog was just diagnosed with
cancer. There you go, here come the tears.
8) Revenge ““ “We’ll get them next year …
I’m going to make sure of it. Now where are my firearms and
explosives?” I’ve hoped for years an atomic bomb will
explode over Yankee Stadium, but so far it just hasn’t
happened … yet. Just give me a while to cook up some uranium and
we’ll be good to go.
9) Admission ““ Eventually, as the healing truly begins,
you’ll come to realize that it wasn’t the referees,
George Steinbrenner’s, or your own fault. Sometimes your team
just lets you down. This is easily the most difficult step as it
requires acknowledgement of the fallibility of your heroes, or
something else equally profound.
10) Acceptance ““ You know you’ve reached this step
when at last you can simply shrug your shoulders and say, “We
suck.” And then you go pick a fight with some Trojan kid.
11) Hope ““ There’s always next year. Unless, of
course, you’re an Expos fan.
And that final, elusive 12th step? Well, I was never big on
following instructions, so I couldn’t tell you myself. But
let me know if you find out, because I have this sinking feeling
that the Lakers are going to blow it for me this year.
E-mail Colin at cyuh@media.ucla.edu.