There’s a popular euphemism: “Everyone should like everyone.” I fancy the simple earnestness of this phrase, but I have my own take. I believe everyone should have sex with everyone.
OK, so that may sound a little perverted and disgusting. But why should sex be solely for those in relationships? And why should those in relationships not be allowed to try something new? Only for our parents do sex and love have to be tied together at the hip. In order to boost the overall student body morale and productivity, I propose we, as a school, actively engage in fulfilling our erotic desires and behaving in various forms of orgiastic swinging and sexual behavior, as well as ceaseless drinking and drug use.
Clearly, the more conservative advocates of ideals like “purity” and “sin” would have an outcry over this sort of conduct. But can someone clearly define for me, without using the Bible, what sin and purity are, and why they always seem to expansively crash with desire? Who’s to say 10-somes should be prohibited in the Royce basement? This life is a short one, and to reprimand oneself of any or all brief pleasures is to not fully participate. Anyone who finds contentment in abstinence, sobriety or honesty clearly hasn’t tried it the other way.
Living by any ambiguous virtues that deny the right to indulge whenever one wants to is the true sin of society. Littering and cheating are common virtuous traits of college campuses (luckily), so why not blind sex? At some point, faith in societal rules resulted in taboos without any sort of philosophical challenging. Plus, if you don’t do it in college, when else will you?
Thankfully, several cliques are headed in the right direction. These groups, partaking in mass intoxication on even the most calm of Monday nights, illustrate how life should be lived. Transparently incestuous, the facade of a meaningful relationship is put off till graduate school and replaced with adventurous physical satisfaction. How can you truly know the limits of your own body until you’ve blacked out, woken up in a stranger’s bed, walked a mile and made it to 8 a.m. class the next day? There’s integral value to burning the candle at both ends.
Likewise, the Hollywood bar-hoppers whose weekends result in bloody noses and countless STD scares have great fodder for some epic stories. Conversely, the prudes who go home every weekend wouldn’t have enough material for an interesting eulogy.
Those on the scene, with their Molly and Red Bull, stilettos and no-carb diet, will have great E! True Hollywood Stories. Being a student of life is far more engaging and important than being a student in the classroom.
The standard outline of giving in to sexual desire only while in a relationship is a sound method for happiness ““ and boredom. Thankfully though, it isn’t the only method. Sex is good, maybe the best of things. It relieves stress, opens conversation and is hopefully physically pleasurable. And as I always say while praying to the porcelain god, if it feels good, it can’t be too bad.
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Clearly, the point of this article is absurd. (If you agreed with it, take a long look in the mirror.) Yet with alcohol as our means of enjoyment and Adderall our catalyst for studying, sex ““ our natural source of connection ““ has turned into gratuitous excess. We are what we do, not what we think. Let’s bring back our ability to look each other in the eye.
If amazed by the utter greatness of this article, then e-mail Bromberg at mbromberg@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.