The best sports in the world do not take place on a court, a
field or a gridiron. You don’t have to walk up hundreds of
concrete rows searching for your uncomfortable pink plastic seat,
either. There are no vendors screaming “Sack of nuts,
here!” before hurling a bag of peanuts your way.
There are no beach balls, television commentators, or halftime
shows.
That is because the best sports in the world take place over
Hefeweizen and hot wings. They require precision, focus and a whole
lot of inebriated luck. Oh yeah, and the loser always buys the next
round. Sports fans, welcome to the world of bar sports. Tip back a
few cold ones, grab a buddy, and let the games begin.
First up in our lineup is the classic, legendary game of
billiards.
Billiards has been a staple of bars for quite some time.
Possibly invented by a follower of Freud, the idea of getting
wasted and then knocking balls around a table with long hard
sticks, occasionally hitting said balls into one of six pockets is
undeniably amusing.
The only problem with billiards is space and drunken stupidity.
You need a lot of space to be able to play pool without the
interference of some lush, which is probably why there are no bars
with pool tables in Westwood.
Since felt is not waterproof, the first person who spills his
Long Island Iced Tea on a table usually stops play for a few
minutes.
In bar sports fan circles, this is known as a rain delay.
Then there is always the schmuck who walks off with the cue
ball, ruining everybody’s fun while thinking he is both funny
and original. Don’t be that guy.
Next up is foosball, a decent sober sport but a great drunken
one. It’s a wonder those little men don’t ever go on
injured reserve, and, with the intensity of some games, it’s
hard to fathom their lack of affect.
The beauty of foosball is its team aspect. With two people on
each side of the table, you can always blame your teammate for
screwing up if you lose, and you can talk smack to two people at
the same time if you win. Good times, I tell ya.
And since the loser buys, there are never any hard feelings.
Venturing into the world of electronica, there is a relatively
new player in the world of bar sports. Enter Golden Tee, the golf
video game that has the bar-dwelling nation going nuts. The
“I am Tiger Woods” commercial can become a reality with
a good beer buzz and a pocketful of quarters.
The only downfall of this is that it will cost you a good four
to five bucks to play 18 holes, and who really wants to carry
around that many quarters in a bar?
This leads me to our final and greatest bar sport. Dominant in
the Midwest but slowly finding success on the left coast, our next
sport has so many different versions that not even Dennis
Rodman’s hair or Michael Jackson’s nose can compete.
Free in many bars and inexpensive in others, I invite you to
indulge in the pleasures of darts.
Darts is the greatest thing to hit bars since the barstool. It
requires the most skill, the most luck and the most strategy
““ all at the same time. Darts is a member of the sacred
fraternity that includes golf and bowling as sports where your
skill level actually improves proportionately to how drunk you are.
Clearly, darts should be a staple of every bar in the world.
Now I admit, whoever had the twisted idea of placing razor-sharp
hand rockets in a place where alcohol is served may have had a few
screws loose or loosed a few screwdrivers. Either way, this person
revolutionized the world of sports.
Can you imagine what would happen if hundreds of rival
fraternity guys, hopped up on booze and testosterone, were given
sharp projectiles and were allowed to go at it?
In the world of bar sports, nearly anything is possible. So pull
up a stool and let the games begin.
Karon is still recovering from last week’s darts mishap.
E-mail him at ekaron@media.ucla.edu