Kenny Chang What happens? You decide! Let the
survey begin! E-mail Kenny at kchang@media.ucla.edu, and he
will sum up the fight in next week’s column. Choose your own
adventure!
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Come one, come all, for this marks the beginning of a series of
classic fights. Drawn from the imaginations of movie fanatics, this
will be the first in a series of Kenny Chang’s “Fights
From Film.”
Starting in the Eastern Division, is General Maximus Decimus
Meridus (Maximus), Russell Crowe’s character from
“Gladiator,” versus Kirk Douglas’ Spartacus, from
“Spartacus.”
In the same bracket is Tyler Durden, Brad Pitt’s persona
from “Fight Club,” versus Sylvester Stallone’s
“Rocky.”
Winners from these two brackets will face off in the
“Feast (of Death) in the East.”
In the West, we have Mel Gibson as Colonel Benjamin “The
Ghost” Martin from the Patriot versus Mel Gibson as William
Wallace from “Braveheart.”
On the other side of the bracket is Brendan Fraser’s
Richard “Rick” O’Connell from “The
Mummy” versus Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones.
The two winners from the Western bracket will face off in the
“Death-Fest in the West.”
All fights will be held in a Gladiator-esque arena, where
anything is fair.
Starting in the East, naturally, Maximus beats the tar out of
Spartacus. Spartacus was a slave to begin with, and he was only
trained to fight as a gladiator. Maximus, however, was a general,
skilled in the arts of war and military tactics, so he was already
a killing machine. Spartacus hardly even puts up a fight and bleeds
to death when Maximus cuts off a few of his limbs and leaves him to
die. Then Maximus gives a speech.
In the fight between Tyler Durden and Rocky (with no boxing
gloves), Rocky wins. Even though Tyler Durden’s a badass,
he’s too scrawny for Rocky and smokes too much. Rocky trained
in snow, for crying-out-loud. Plus, Rocky was already a street
fighter, and Tyler Durden only recently started fighting. Rocky
beats down Durden, who just sits there smoking cigarettes, laughing
like a lunatic. Then Ed Norton shoots himself in the head or
something. If you don’t get that part, you really should
watch “Fight Club,” and probably shouldn’t be
reading this column anyway.
In the “Death-Fest in the West,” William Wallace
beats “The Ghost,” who can only shoot guns and
sometimes throw a tomahawk or two. Wallace pulls out massive
weapons, getting medieval on “The Ghost”. First, a mace
to the face. BAM! Then, a ball and chain onto “The
Ghost’s” foot. CRUNCH! Then, William Wallace just
totally gets sick, grabs a sword, and slits “The
Ghost’s” throat. SLIT! Then William Wallace gives a
speech.
In the match between Indiana Jones and Rick O’Connell,
Indy wins. After they both run out of bullets, Indy busts out the
whip and gives that fool, Rick, some serious whiplash. After a few
moments of being resourceful, throwing sand in each other’s
eyes, they realize that that just won’t cut it. Then they
just get down in the dirt and eventually Indy gets smart and
strangles Rick with his whip. Then Indy says, “Thanks for
stealing my jacket, you little jerk.”
In the second round of the “Feast (of Death) in the
East,” Rocky is up against Maximus, who has to go without his
sword, for fairness. Rocky can only box, brawl at best. Maximus is
a general and he’s trained to kill, not to just get someone
on the floor for ten seconds. Plus, he’s got that cool
breastplate, which would protect his internal organs from
Rocky’s pummelling.
Verdict: Rocky gets tired from boxing, and Maximus grabs
Rocky’s fists and uses them against him, making it so that in
the end, Rocky beats himself. Maximus then gives a speech.
In the second round of “Death-Fest in the West,”
William Wallace whoops Indy. Wallace goes crazy with his sword,
while Indy, stupid archaeologist that he is, admires the
craftsmanship of the sword. Then while Indy admires the sword,
Wallace severes Indy’s head from his body. But at least Indy
got his jacket back from Rick O’Connell before he died. Then
Wallace gives a speech.
In the “Final Confrontation” it is William Wallace
versus Maximus. In the initial oratory portion of their fight, the
two men present valid points, but by decision, William Wallace wins
because he’s more passionate and charismatic. Maximus mumbles
too much.
The two start off with their respective swords and they fight
until their swords break. Then tigers are released, and both men
strangle two tigers each with their bare hands. Then, in their
extreme fatigue, they trade blows, pound for pound and collapse on
the ground. But, out of the corner of each of their eyes, they spy
a length of their respective broken swords.