We’re lucky. As Bruins we have one of the most ambitious
intramural programs west of the Mississippi. The new IM field draws
some of the best athletes never to suit up for a Division I
program. While there is no doubt that the IM program is
competitive, I do have doubts as to the nature of some of the
competitors.
If there was one piece of advice that I could give to the many
intramural athletes at UCLA, if there was one thing I could implore
the many IM-playing Bruins to do, it would be: Don’t ever,
under any circumstances, be That Guy.
That Guy, who was depicted in the series of commercials for
FOX’s “5, 4, 3, 2, 1″ extreme sports television,
is the total tool-box that tries so hard to fit into a world where
he obviously doesn’t belong. This guy wants to be cool, needs
to be cool, tries to be cool, but is about as cool as summer in
Phoenix.
We have all seen That Guy, and some of us have even been him.
Please do us all a favor and accept that you are not the Fonz
(nobody is cooler than the Fonz) of the IM field. If you
aren’t cool that is one thing, but desperately trying to be
cool simply makes you That Guy.
That Guy is the IM basketball player who strolls into Pauley
Pavilion wearing 17 different sweatbands. I never understood how
people construed the belief that sweatbands made you look like a
legitimate basketball player.
The purpose of a sweatband worn on the wrist is to keep sweat
from dripping onto your hands, thus making them slippery. The
purpose of a sweatband on the forehead is to keep sweat from
dripping into your eyes.
So why does That Guy show up to his game wearing an upside down
Adidas band perfectly positioned on his forehead, one on each
wrist, one on his bicep, and one on his calf? Dressing this way to
play basketball doesn’t make you look like Jason Kapono.
That Guy is the experienced player who signs up for the
“C” league in IM sports. The “C” league was
designed to give players of minimal skill and drunk fraternity guys
a chance to play sports competitively. There is always some
collection of guys, however, that decides to sign-up for the
“C” league even though they have been playing the sport
for the better part of their lives. As far as I am concerned, you
may as well pick a fight with a midget.
That Guy is the schmuck that talks on his cell phone at sporting
events. Any conversation past “Hey, I can’t talk now, I
am at a football game” is too long. If you paid for a ticket,
if you are sitting in the Rose Bowl surrounded by other Bruin
faithful, then get off the phone: You look like Ryan Seacrest.
That Guy is the one who brings his baseball mitt to major league
games. This absolutely kills me. If you want to take home a foul
ball that badly, suck it up and bare-hand it. If you can’t
snare the ball with your bare hands, you don’t deserve the
ball. Geena Davis barehanded a throw from Rosie O’Donnell in
“A League of Their Own.” You’re tougher than
Geena Davis, aren’t you? (Personally, a Rosie O’Donnell
fastball does seem a little scary, but that’s just me).
UCLA’s IM athletics program is ripe with different
varieties of That Guy, but it need not be. All it takes is a little
common sense and a quick glance in the mirror to realize you do not
look cool because you are wearing sweatbands.
You are not a bigger man because you won the “C”
league. Nobody thinks you look important because you are on your
cell phone. The glove you are wearing at a major league game makes
you look childish. For the love of the game, use good judgment, and
don’t be That Guy.
E-mail Graham-Caso at dgrahamcaso@media.ucla.edu.