I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s going to take
more than a stroke of luck for UCLA to derail USC’s magical
season.
What the Bruins need is divine intervention.
Four years’ worth of UCLA’s failure and frustration
has left me seeking spiritual guidance, so I’m not taking any
chances this time.
Because the white courtesy phone outside the pearly gates
wasn’t listed in the phone book, I decided to settle for
calling the Vatican.
I called His Holiness Pope John Paul II on Monday afternoon. Or
rather, I called the Holy See’s “Sala dei
Giornalisti.” I don’t speak Italian, but I think that
means press room. Or it’s a new type of pasta dish. Either
way, that sounded good to me.
Once I dialed, a man picked up the phone. I told him I needed to
speak to the Pope right away because I needed to make sure he was
praying for a Bruin victory Saturday.
The man hung up. He must have been a USC fan.
My next thought was to send the Pope a letter. Surely once he
saw what an important cause this was, he would be more than willing
to help me out.
Then I remembered the line at the post office in Ackerman.
I’d be lucky if I got to the front of it in time for
kickoff.
With that in mind, I decided to refocus my efforts further down
the Catholic chain of command.
I called the office of Bishop Edward Clark, a Los Angeles
resident and well-known local religious figure. A woman named Ana
Aguilera answered the phone.
JE: Hi, Ana. I’m calling from the Daily Bruin. Is Bishop
Clark there?
AA: He’s in a meeting right now.
JE: Oh. Do you know if he’s a football fan?
AA: I’m not really sure. I can check with him.
JE: That would be great because I’d like to know if he
could say a prayer for the UCLA football team on Saturday. I know
he sometimes prays for those in need, and I can’t think of
anyone more downtrodden than the Bruins.
AA: Well, I’ve never heard him talk about sports. I
don’t think he’s too interested in football.
Sounds exactly like most UCLA fans to me.
While I waited for Ana to get back to me, I thought about
rounding up a few members of the campus ministry. They could come
out to practice, sprinkle some holy water in the Gatorade cooler,
and perhaps even deliver a motivational sermon to the team. We all
know Karl Dorrell certainly isn’t going to give one.
I talked to a member of the Athletics Department about my latest
idea. He informed me that the team was focused on preparing for the
Trojans and wouldn’t have time for such antics this week.
As if just practicing is going to be enough to beat USC. Bob
Toledo tried that strategy the last four years, and all it did was
get him fired.
Besides, a week’s worth of practice alone isn’t
going to help Drew Olson throw the deep ball. Everyone knows you
have to say your Hail Marys before you can throw one.
At this point I was a bit dejected. The Bruins are going to be
fed to a pride of cardinal and gold lions at the Coliseum, and not
even the Pope himself could stop it. My optimism waning, I decided
to call Ana one last time. She seemed like a charitable woman.
Maybe she could help me out.
JE: So any word from Bishop Clark?
AA: Not yet. If I don’t call you back, that means that
he’s not interested.
I can take a hint. Bishop Clark, UCLA’s fifth-straight
loss to the Trojans will fall squarely on your shoulders. Looks
like my prayers will not be answered.
Jeff hopes his column goes the way of Galileo and is
condemned by the Catholic Church. E-mail him at
jeisenberg@media.ucla.edu.